The End

Since things seem to be going very well right now, I plan on this being the last posting on this blog forever, hopefully. It has been good to use to get my feelings out and to document what this horrible time of life has been like. It has definitely the toughest time of my life and marriage and for my family. Fortunately, we all made it through it. I would horrible if we didn't.

God blessed me with Traci as the perfect wife for me. She stood by the vows she made with me on our wedding day without any hesitation despite how I acted and sometimes treated her. Courtney and Skyler still seem to love me as much as ever and I am thankful for their resilience. You gotta love that about kids!

This was my second week back at work (first full week, seventh day to be exact) and it already feels like I was never gone. Work is piling up faster than I can handle it, but that just means I'm like everybody else. It will keep me busy and that is a good thing. Despite many meetings and needing to leave early today, I felt like I was very productive and that felt very good, something I didn't feel while in the depths of darkness.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and she seemed very happy with where I'm at and the mix of drugs I'm on. They seem to working and so we'll stay with them for a minimum of six months and then think about possibly starting to get off them, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. As for now, things are good. I'm happy, feeling good, enjoying life and back in my normal routine. In general things are pretty much back to normal. i do have to say, though, that I have a somewhat greater appreciation for life. At the darkest times, it didn't seem like it was worth going on in life. Fortunately, God got through to me even though I didn't want to hear it. Hopefully I can use this experience somewhere down the road to help someone or maybe it will come in handy if it turns out to be hereditary and I have to deal with one (or both) of the kids dealing with it. Regardless, I have learned that I can really just take life one day at a time. I just take what comes at me and deal with it as best I can. God will always be with me, and that will never change. I've always felt God has big plans for me. Maybe, just maybe, this has all had something to do with that. Another thing I have learned is that God provides and His timing is always perfect.

Life is Good!

The longer between posts, the better. It's now December and we're in full Christmas preparation mode. Things are still going great for me. I got frustrated this week when I went back to work on Monday for a few hours before being told that I needed to go home since I hadn't been cleared to go back to work. It's a long story so I'll try to summarize. The company that manages disability for my work sent out return to work paperwork later than they should have, which meant I couldn't get clearance in time to return on November 30 like I was supposed to. Then between work and the other company, I was being told to do two different things to take the next step. Finally I got it straightened out, and now have my fit for duty test scheduled for this Monday at 11:00, which means that if all goes well, I should be back in the office Tuesday morning...finally.

Thanksgiving weekend went well. No stress for me there as we were able to spend a lot of time with Susie, Adam and Bella. We even did an impromptu sleepover at my parents' house Friday night. It was a lot of fun. We played a lot of games after the kids were asleep. Then on Saturday, we took family pictures at JC Penney with us, my parents, Susie, Adam and Bella and my grandma and uncle. They came out really good.

I just got back from an appointment with my therapist and it sounds like I may have only have one more appointment with her (in two weeks). After that, if everything is going well, I won't need to see her, although I'll continue seeing the psychiatrist monthly, I assume to monitor the med's I'm on.

So all in all, life is good. I'm feeling pretty normal and good and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things at work this next week. I'm really hoping I continue to feel this way. If I do, there may not be many more posts here, which would be a good thing in my eyes...or fingers.

Positive Progress

Wow! Two weeks almost since my last post. Fortunately, that's because I've been enjoying life as much as I can. I haven't had a bad day since Halloween weekend, despite many opportunities to let the situation take over my feelings. Courtney has been acting better, although still having her moments. Many times in the past, I would have lost it or yelled. I'm so glad that I have been able to control my reactions when she aggravates me. I definitely think that is progress and proof that I do have (at least some) control over my feelings and emotions instead of feeling like they are running my life.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have given up on expecting how to feel from day to day. I just wake up, take what the day brings and make the best of it. So far that seems to be working. Well, that and the meds (all 3). I'm know starting to think about my return to work. I feel cautiously optimistic about it. I remember how it went last time and hope it won't play out like that again. I feel pretty similar to how I did last time when I returned from disability, and I want it to be different in a good way this time. They have hired someone to fill in for me while I'm out now and we will work together when I return. My boss has said we'll figure out what is the less stressful stuff that I can handle. I think that's a good approach because when I went back last time, I felt overwhelmed almost as soon as I returned, which didn't help me at all. I miss some of the people at work and look forward to getting back and seeing them again.

I feel that time off has not only helped me better deal with my depression, but it has also allowed for some much needed time with family. I feel like I'm closer to the kids and Traci since I've been able to spend a lot of time with them. It was really special today when Skyler brought home a craft she had done at her preschool for Thanksgiving. It was a picture of a turkey (from her traced hand) that said "I'm thankful for...my daddy." How can that not b e special. From all the things she could be thankful for, she chose me. I would not have expected that. I guess it shows how much she loves me. It just melts my heart and gives me more motivation to fight the depression and beat it and get back to a more normal life.

I've also had some good talks with Courtney lately. Mainly about her friend Charis, whose family moved to Hungary to become missionaries last January. They were pretty much best friends and it was sad to see Courtney's friend move half way around the world. However, they have said they are coming back for Christmas and that they want to get together so Courtney and Charis can hang out together. She gets so excited and happy when she talks about her. We also had a good talk tonight just before putting her to bed. She had really misbehaved in the bath (at the end, repeatedly splashing Skyler's face/eyes with water after being asked not to) and as a result, I told her she would be going straight to bed. When we were praying in Skyler's room, she refused to pray and so she did not get to pray with us. I got her to pray in her room after she almost didn't get to again. After that we just talked. Not about any single thing, but a bunch of things. I was thinking about the fact that I said she would go straight to bed, before Skyler, which did not happen, but we were having a good conversations and I was really enjoying the moment. It was one of those times that I couldn't see ending. Eventually, I had to though as we talked for at least 15 minutes. I let her know that she needed to go to sleep and so she complied. It was a good bonding time.

Thanksgiving is just about a week away and I am really looking forward to it since my sister, her husband and their daughter are being flown down for the long weekend. Traci and I and Adam's mom are going to LAX to pick them up Thanksgiving morning. We have plans with them Friday night, just them two and us two, no kids. I'm hoping we get more time with them as well. I'm also hoping that her friend, who has monopolized her (my sister's) time the last two trips out won't do it again this trip. If she does, I know I will be upset, which is not what I need just before returning to work. I will pray that things go well and that I can control myself if things don't work out. Thus, the cautious optimism. I have high hopes, but not expectations. I have given up on expecting things. It only sets me up for disappointment or setbacks.

Off Work Again and Other Crap

I guess I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted and a lot has happened since that last post a week and a half ago. I heard back from my therapist later the day I called her. She said she was going to write me off work for a while again. So now I'm off until November 30 (Monday after Thanksgiving). That's about 5 weeks off; 6 if you count the week before when I only worked 2 hours. It appears that this FMLA/disability claim will include that week, making it a 6 week break from work, less the two hours. I was hoping I wouldn't have to be off again, but then again, the team at work deserves to have consistency one way or the other instead of me being in one day and out the next. So in one way it's disappointing and in another it's a relief. I also met with my psychiatrist and she wound adding one new medication (that's make 5 total I'm taking regularly now, 3 of which are for depression) and she increased the dosages of the other two I was already taking.

Last Friday, the 30th, we hosted R&B's annual Halloween party. There was pretty good attendance and a ton of fun. I definitely needed that. It was fun to hang out with our friends from the class and play games and eat. We played two games of Mafia. I was nothing the first game and one of the two mafia the second game (which we won). Then those with kids and a couple of others left. We put our girls to bed as well and then played Apples to Apples after that. That's another great game to play. it can be really funny, which is good when you've been feeling the way I have with all of this.

I forgot...before the party, I took Courtney to Disneyland to meet up with my best friend Eric and his girlfriend Stacey. We had a lot of fun hanging out and going on rides. This was my second time at Disneyland that week. Traci and I met up with our friends Jake and Jenifer, who were celebrating her birthday on Wednesday. We went and hung with them for a couple of hours while both girls were at school.

I was hoping the time off would give me time to try and get better, this past (Halloween) weekend proved otherwise. I started sliding downhill at a Halloween party Halloween night. It was at our friends' house. We didn't dress up like most other people, and Courtney and Skyler, but it just started getting to me. First of all, I'm never comfortable when there are kids and alcohol at the same place. Secondly, and the main factor I think, was that I didn't know anybody and figured everyone was happier and in a better place than I was. This is my competitive spirit (comparing myself to other) coming out at the wrong time. This is something we have talked about at my last two therapist sessions.

By the time we left the party, I was feeling pretty down. Fortunately, the rest of the night was fun...trick or treating with Courtney and Skyler. They have been looking forward to it for so long and were very cute and cooperative the whole time. First stop was at Traci's parents' house. Second stop was at Traci's grandparents' house. Third stop was my parents' house. Then we came home and walked the neighborhood, which has been pretty good and fun every year we have gone trick or treating. The girls loved getting so much candy. However, the damage of the day had already been done.

I had hoped Sunday would be different since it was a new day, but Saturday's bad feelings carried right over into Sunday. Going to church really didn't mean much. I was singing empty words during worship and couldn't pay much attention to Pastor Bill's sermon. R&B was fun because it was with people we enjoy being around and we did lunch after class which is usually fun, which was the case this time. Then at home things continued to go bad as I was in a really bad mood the rest of the day. Courtney acting up didn't help much, but by no means is an excuse for my attitude. I wound up staying home from a Halloween/housewarming party because I just didn't feel like it. Plus, I knew there were going to be at least two families there that I don't really enjoy being around. Sunday just sucked in general.

Bring on Monday, right? It has to be better that the previous two days! Wrong again. The feelings continued to dominate me as I was in a bad mood all day again. I was mean to the girls and didn't treat Traci much better. I got especially upset when Courtney purposely locked both bathroom doors and then closed them after she had used the bathroom. This pretty much put me over the edge for the day and the weekend. I was sarcastic and mean to Courtney and pretty much everybody in the house. So much so that Traci told Courtney to join her our bedroom so they could watch TV away from me.

I contemplated leaving the house at least a couple of times during this past weekend, but never did, except to borrow some tools from my dad to try and get the bathroom doors open. Eventually, Traci's dad came over and managed to get it open. I think Courtney learned her lesson the hard way since Traci and I both had words with her.

Yesterday was a good day...FINALLY! I took Skyler to Disneyland, just me and her. I figured I had already gone with Traci and Courtney individually and with my pass expiring today, I figured I should go with Skyler as well. It was fun and Disneyland was dead. Our longest wait was 15 minutes during the 4 hours we were there, and that was for Alice in Wonderland! It was great and we both had a good time.

Today has turned out to be another good day. I let Traci rest since she is sick and took both girls to school and then picked them up later. I also took Courtney to the dentist, which went well. I also found out I shouldn't be doing any work while at home. I just have to check e-mails and voice mails though. I don't want to spend my whole first week back going through voice mails and e-mails...not fun.

A couple of miscellaneous notes about the past few days. My parents bought plane tickets for Susie, Adam and Bella to come out for Thanksgiving weekend. That should be a good weekend as long as our "friends" don't try to monopolize their time while their out here like they have the last couple of times. That's my sister, brother-in-law and niece and I should be able to spend a lot of time with them!

Then I learned that a friend and former co-worker passed away on yesterday morning. I worked with pretty closely when I was the Global Category Analyst for Catalysts & Chemicals before my current position. He was a really good guy to work and talk with. I know his family (wife and kids) are probably having a really hard time right now and I will keep them in my prayers.

So life goes on, each day different the one before. At this point, I have given up trying to figure out how I'm going to feel; it's useless. I just need to be able to roll with the punches and adjust as things come and/or change. Hopefully I can win this fight eventually, although I have a feeling this will always be with me and be a struggle. I just need to adjust to the new me and try to learn how to live with it, even though it sucks.

Rough Start to the Week

Here it is Monday of a new week. The weekend was great. It was busy, but a lot of fun. I tried to use that this morning and keep the good feelings going to get me in to work. It worked for a while. I drove all the way to work, parked my car, turned it off and couldn't get myself to open the door. I put my arms up on the steering wheel and put my forehead down on my arms, began praying to God to help me and then started crying. The crying seemed uncontrollable and somewhat surprising considering how I felt when I left home.

It was about 6:40 in the morning at this point and I decided I needed to talk to Traci so I called her even though I figured she wouldn't be up yet. I'm glad I did because she is always so reassuring and encouraging. we wound up speaking for almost an hour (58 minutes according to my cell phone). After that I called my boss and let him know I wouldn't be in. I then left and came back home where Traci was helping Courtney finish getting ready for school.

I was exhausted. All the emotions this morning took a lot out of me, much more than I would expect. Regardless, the day continues on and I am waiting for two calls: one from the EAP Advisor from work (e-mailed earlier today) and one from my therapist (left a voice mail earlier today). We'll see what they say when we talk. Hopefully they call soon. At least I have some good memories of the weekend.

When I was online checking e-mails and sending one to my boss with my high priorities currently, I got an IM from someone in the office who I have walked with at lunch on a regular basis prior to all this depression stuff. She was just checking on me and letting me know she hoped I was ok. It felt good to read those words from her. She's really nice and has become a good friend. Her office is right next to mine. I've been worried about what people in the office are thinking of me. She made it sound as if they were just concerned about me. I love where I work. I don't think I've ever worked a more sincere, caring, hard-working group of people like this before. Perhaps that's why it's a fairly rigorous process to get into Chevron. They only take the best. And thinking of that, it's a little encouraging since I'm one of those people they hired.

Long Week

This past week was the roughest I've had in a while. I only worked a couple of hours Thursday morning and was out the rest of the week. As noted in my previous entry, it started coming on strong Sunday night and carried over into Monday. Tuesday was a little better, but when Wednesday rolled around I still didn't feel like going into work and got fairly angry about it. This was probably the closest I have ever been to yelling at Traci. Fortunately, I was able to control myself enough to not yell at her. I was also able to keep myself from yelling at Courtney earlier int he week and those are the positives I'm taking from the work week.

Yesterday, I got out and did some yardwork trimming the hedges and bushes from the neighbor's yard that always grow over the fence onto our side and irritate us somewhat. I had already planned to do this before I went to my therapist appointment Thursday night, but we again talked about how physical activity can help eliminate some of the negative feelings I've been having, not to mention that Traci has told me this numerous times. For some reason, it really registered this time.

Once I finished the work, I really did feel better. It was encouraging and made me realize that maybe my sulking around in self-pity or self-beating-up isn't the best thing for me. Fortunately, there is plenty more yardwork to do and much more trimming of bushes and shrubs to do. Hopefully I can tackle that next Friday before we host our Sunday school class Halloween party (Friday night).

We've been to one Harvest Festival so far today, which I think also helps as I focus on the kids' enjoyment there. Also, having a little money to spend for the games and lunch (and how inexpensive things are at these festivals) helps me not get down too. I'm hoping the rest of this weekend also goes well, although I'm not looking forward to Sunday's church service at Biola where we are supposed to make commitments for the building project underway. We don't have much to give, but will pledge to do about $20 per month. We're hoping we can do more than that down the road, but feel this may be reasonable to commit to right now.

And now, off to harvest festival #2!

Not What I Want

So I realized how to explain how I'm feeling today. It reminds me of how I felt during the first week I was on disability back at the end of August. Not a very encouraging sign. I'm really hoping I can make it to work tomorrow.

Also, I left a message for the psychiatrist and haven't heard back. Fortunately, I've been corresponding with a friend, via e-mail, that has been through depression in the past. The more I talk to people about it, the more common I find depression to be. It doesn't help my situation, but at least I'm realizing I'm not the only one that has been through this.

My mother-in-law never disturbed me when she was over here with the girls while Traci was at DCA with some friends. Traci didn't even realize I was home until she took the girls outside after dropping her mom off at home.

Home Again

This not feeling like I can handle work stuff is getting old. I woke up this morning still feeling the effects of a down night last night and just didn't want to deal with anything this morning. So much so that I didn't kiss and say goodbye to Traci. I just had breakfast, got dressed and left. I went to the train station at Norwalk figuring I could park and hang out in the car until Traci had left for Disneyland/DCA with friends. Once I confirmed she was on her way, I came back home. I didn't want to face her again and have to deal with the questions as to why I couldn't make it in to work. Like I said, I didn't want to deal with anything.

So where did the down night come from? Despite a bad Dodger loss (11-0), that wasn't the cause. I've seen them lose like that before and come right back the next day. It feels like it was frustration from dealing with Courtney and her attitude yesterday. It took a lot to not lose it and not yell at her yesterday, but I managed to control myself and avoid doing that. Hey, I'll take one positive.

Then on top of that, my mother-in-law comes over to Skype with her Colorado grandkids (more annoyances with why she has to use our Skype/computer, but that's a different issue), our nieces...the nephew and my brother-in-law were "quarantined" because they were sick (another annoyance), and there was just too much happiness for me to handle. So I retreated to the bedroom to watch the rest of the Dodger game.

So, here I am at home with nobody knowing I'm here. However, I'm sure I'll have to deal with the mother-in-law when she gets home since she picking the kids up from school today. I'm hoping I'm napping by then, if I can sleep. I don't want to take the prescription sleeping pills I've been given because I figure that will really screw up my sleep pattern for tonight. Oh, and I need to call the psychiatrist because my therapist said I should if I stayed home from work again. I have no idea why, but I'll do it. Let's just hope this day, and week, get better.

A Better Week and a Great Day

This past week wasn't as bad as last week. I actually worked full days on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Monday was a battle as I fought distractions all day, but managed to make it through. Tuesday I called in sick because I didn't feel like fighting the feelings I had. Motivation was gone.

It turns out that Tuesday wasn't all bad. I spoke to Todd at church and let him know what was going so he could better understand how/what to pray for me. We spent about 45 minutes talking and it was a really good. I love talking with Todd because he is sincere and caring. I got to know him better when I was leading R&B and am really glad he is our family ministries pastor. After talking with him, I felt a little better; like some weight had been lifted from me. He prayed with me and used anointing oil (which I hadn't had done before...the oil that is). I think I just really needed to talk to someone else and I knew I could go to him.

As I mentioned, Wednesday and Thursday were better days as I worked full days each day, although both days were mostly meeting, but that's ok. Wednesday turned out to be a better day than expected when my good friend, actually, my best friend (besides Traci), called and told me he had an extra ticket to game 2 between the Dodgers and Phillies for today (Friday). After talking with Traci and Eric being ok with me paying him back for the ticket in payments, I said I could go.

Which leads me to today, gameday! Turned out it was a day game; started at 1:07. I met him at his sister's house and then off we were to the stadium. We were lucky to have his Blackberry and could use that to see how bad traffic was on our typical route. We took an alternate route and got there in pretty good time with minimal slowing on the freeways. On the way there, we talked about how we've been, updating each other with the happenings in our lives since we last saw each other a couple of months ago (at a Dodger game). It was during this time that I was able to let him know that I had been fighting depression for about the last 3 months. I gave him some details, but not all. It was good to talk to him as well. He's a great friend and I feel I can talk to him about almost anything. It was a good talk and he was very supportive as I suspected he would be. I am very lucky and glad that he is my friend and that I can open up to him. It's always good to have someone like that in your life (and I have a few...not bad for an introvert).

The game was great. The Dodgers beat the Phillies 2-1 to even up the best of 7 NLCS at 1-1. Now they go to Philly for game 3 on Sunday, which I plan on watching. The drive back sucked as we spent 2.5 hours on the road (about an hour of that was just getting out of the parking lot). However, it was really good because we were able to talk some more. I just love talking to Eric. I feel comfortable talking to him, knowing that he won't judge me, but will listen and help me if he can. Before getting out of his car and getting into mine to head home, we told each other that we would be praying for each other.

God has blessed me with great family and friends. I cannot deny that. In times like these, that is great to have. I think it will help me to continue recovering this blow to my life. I'm hoping things are on the upswing and that I can work a full week next week. (I have meeting each day Monday - Wednesday.) It's been a good week in general and I'm hoping I can have at least as good a week next week.

Another Week and Still Battling

So it appears I'll be posting about once a week. This last week that has passed by has again been mixed. Last weekend went pretty well. The girls had their first sleepover at the their friends' house on Friday. It seemed to go pretty well, which is good since they had only stayed at the houses of their grandparents before. It also allowed me and Traci to have some much-needed us time. We took advantage of it and went to Disneyland. We only wound up riding one ride, Space Mountain Ghost Galaxy, because we waited an hour and 35 minutes to get on. I was excited that Traci wanted to go on since she's not a big fan of roller coasters. I was also excited when we got off because she didn't have a headache.

It was nice while we were in line. We started talking to the couple in front of us. They looked like our age or slightly younger. Turns out they have three kids ranging from 2 to 5 years old. It was really fun talking to them. They were nice and we wound up laughing at the similarities of kids behavior.

However, I managed to catch a small cold sometime over the weekend. I think I first felt it on Saturday. I was really tired all weekend and started getting achy. I still went to church on Sunday, but was exhausted by the time we got home, and still a little achy and slightly congested.

When Monday rolled around, I called in sick, but it was because of the cold, which was a nice change from why I had been calling in sick most of the time.

Tuesday, I made it in to work, but left at 1:30 so that I could make it to Fullerton for my 3:00 appointment with the psychiatrist; my first one. I got there and managed to find her office, which is shared with about 5 or 6 others of similar professions. It was kind of fun going there since it across the street from Cal State Fullerton where I got both my B.A. and M.B.A.

Upon entering the waiting room, it was a little eery as there were already 3 others waiting. One seemed to stare at me when I came in and sat down. Another was filling out paperwork (I assume it was his first visit as well). The third was a guy sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth constantly, which was accompanied by the backrest of the couch squeaking everytime he rocked back. This guy kind of creeped me out because it was a little too much like you see these kinds of offices portrayed. It didn't help my feelings about being there either.

I finally went into the doctor's office (she is an MD) and sat down. She had a very normal office, like a lot of people do at many businesses: she sat behind her desk and I sat in one of the two visitors chairs on the other side of her desk. She had a copy/fax machine in the corner and everything. I had to fill out a small bit of paperwork, but nothing major.

As I started explaining my situation, she started taking notes since I was the new "nutcase" patient of hers (my terminology, not hers, at least not that I know of). She seemed to have very good knowledge of what was going on with me, which isn't surprising considering this is what she does for a living. At the end she couldn't determine if I was bipolar or just depressed. I think it's just depression, but then again, I don't have the MD. I walked out with a prescription for 3 medications (great!), one of which I already have, and a slip to get some blood work done. I'll get the blood work done tomorrow.

The two new medications scare me a little. One is a sleeping pill, which I know can be addictive, and the other is to treat the chemical imbalance, which both the psychiatrist and therapist (and wife) seem to agree on. The new chemical imbalance one (Bupropion) is supposed to help control the two chemicals (other than Seratonin) in the brain that may be out of whack. The Citalopram I am already on is supposed to only deal with the Seratonin. However, she (psychiatrist) scared me a little when she let me know that one of the possible side effects of Bupropion is seizure. She said it's rare and the she hasn't known any of her patients to have that, but still. What if I'm the one that does have it. That's all I need is go through that and get all shaken up (no pun intended) over something like that. I took the first one this morning and so far so good. Let's hope it stays that way. The pharmacist at Target, where I filled the prescriptions, recommended taking just one of the sleeping pills the first time (prescribed dosage is two) on a night before a day I don't work. That would be tonight! Oh goody, I say sarcastically!

Anyway, here I am at work finishing out the workweek. I leave in about a half hour. I made it through only one full workday this week (today) as I called in sick yesterday due to the guilt and shame I felt for having to see a psychiatrist and being yet more medication for this crappy condition that I wish would just go away. I want to make it through a full workweek just once so I can feel like I'm back to normal, at least somewhat! Today has been productive, if you don't count the blog time, which is productive in a non-work way, and I feel like I got a lot done. That's a great feeling and I want to have that feeling more often. It's just really hard to fight the feelings I get sometimes when I wake up in the morning. My goal is to make it to work everyday next week and actually work a full workweek. It would be good for me, good for my co-workers and probably good for my wife as I have a feeling she's (at least somewhat) tired and/or frustrated of me being home during the week.

It's always such a battle for me personally to fight off the feelings. I know I'm better than I have been in the past, but I still have a ways to go. And looking at Christmas, I think that will be the biggest challenge since this bottomed out a couple of months ago. We will hardly be buying any gifts this year, maybe just for the girls, which will be tough because we like to be generous but just don't have the means this year. It sucks.

On a neutral note, I found out one good thing about going on disability. Disability pay is not taxable. My last paycheck (yesterday) was about $600 more than normal. However, that joy is cancelled out by needing to repair the kitchen faucet and garbage disposal. Oh yeah, and my car left a nice new oil puddle in the driveway yesterday...that's right. It apparently has an oil leak, which is not something that can be left alone and I'm sure is not cheap. So although we have managed to save about $700 in savings I have a bad feeling that will be gone soon. On the bright side though, God apparently knew that we would need a little extra money. It's funny how through all this financial crap that has sent me into this spiral of darkness, God has provided what we have needed. And although there are times when I have not felt like looking at Him or talking to Him, he is still there for me and my family. He gives me some motivation to keep fighting on through His generosity and my family. I just need to remember to acknowledge Him once in a while.

The Roller Coaster Continues

It's been almost a week since I last wrote and in a way, that's a good thing. I've been busy.

Last weekend (without Traci around) went well. The kids were generally good. We had a really good time swimming on Saturday and actually wound up going to Saturday service at church. I figured we were already out and the kids were still awake, so why not. Plus it's less crowded and the girls are in the same class (and Kate and Jack were there as well, a bonus).

Sunday was a fairly good day in general...at least until the girls' bedtime. We started off just doing the normal things, except for church since we went the day before. I cleaned the house a little bit since Traci would be home that afternoon and I hadn't done any cleaning yet. She came home in the early afternoon and the we were all glad to see her.

The four of us enjoyed our time together and a little later, while the girls were starting the bedtime routine (bath/shower, teeth, prayers, bed) Traci went to the gym and night went downhill. The bath was fine, although Courtney was doing her usual selective-hearing thing which is very frustrating. Afterwards, I got them dressed and brushed Skyler's hair. Meanwhile, Courtney was playing or something harmless like that. When I was done with Skyler, I called Courtney several times to get up and come to me so I could brush her hair. After a number of times, my frustration built up and tipped me over the edge. I slammed the brush on the living room floor and after it bounced, it landed in front of Courtney (it didn't hit her, and that wasn't my intent), who then started crying because she was scared from what I had just done. I let her calm down and forget what happened after that, but she still didn't come over after I asked her a few more times. When she wasn't moving or listening to me, I got even more frustrated and threw the brush across the room towards the kitchen, which scared both kids who were then crying, almost in unison. Of course that didn't help the situation, so I loudly and firmly told them to go to bed. They each went in their rooms, still crying. When I got into Skyler's room, she calmly reminded we hadn't brushed teeth yet. So I loudly requested they go into the bathroom and brush their teeth. They did and then went back to bed where I tucked them both in.

Traci came home shortly after that, and after I had texted her letting her know the night had gone downhill. She got frustrated when she realized Courtney's hair hadn't been brushed. (I never did brush because I lost my patience with her after that whole episode.) The night was pretty much a blur after that as I was feeling a lot of negative things at that point.

Monday brought on a whole new challenge. I had already called in sick the previous Thursday and I wanted to make it in on Monday. I made the drive to Norwalk, got on the train and made it all the way to El Segundo and got off the train at about 6:20 in the morning. Halfway through my walk to the work shuttle, I changed course because, again, I couldn't handle going into work. I was on the edge of tears again. I walked, and walked and walked. I called my boss to let him know I was trying to get myself together to come in but that I wasn't sure if I would be able to.

Eventually, at 8:10 (almost two hours later), I was back at the train station (a different one actually), getting on to head home. I walked for a solid one hour and fifty minutes, almost non-stop. My back was sore, I was emotionally unstable and very down, and needed to get out of there and go home. I even called my therapist to see if we could move up my Wednesday night appointment. (When she called back we moved it to Tuesday night.) Monday was just another day with another failure...just what I needed.

Tuesday, I actually made it into work (and drove the whole way instead of taking the train). I made it through our department's weekly meeting that morning. When my boss stopped in to ask how I was doing, I gave him a look like I've been better. I then let him know a little more how I was feeling and asked if I could take my laptop home to organize my work priorities. Fortunately, he is very supportive and allowed me to do so. So I packed up and headed home after being at work for about 3 hours. Once I got home, I was able to get done what I intended and passed it along to my boss. So Tuesday was like splitting a doubleheader with a win and a loss.

While I was home from work this day, my dad called and wanted to check on me. he was trying to get me to open up, but I was actually doing the opposite while talking to him. I felt myself getting tense, stressed and closing up while my feelings went south very quickly. I know that's how he is, so it didn't surprise me, but it just wasn't what I needed. It's nice to know that he cares, though.

That night I had my therapist appointment and explained how the last week or so had gone. She didn't seem very encouraged, but did seem to understand. Ultimately, she gave me a couple names of psychiatrists that she recommended I try to see and get a prescription for a mood stabilizing medication, as she thinks this is a problem that is going alongside the depression. I was able to make an appointment today for next Tuesday, October 6.

Wednesday has to go down as a victory. I made it into work (via the train) and worked the whole day! I didn't even feel too bad in general that day. I tell you, this depression thing is weird. I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day. I was able to work and bounce from meeting to meeting, which I'm sure helped since I was busy, but a complete day is a complete day.

Today was a little different. I again made it through the whole workday, but had to battle "depression distractions" all day that would take my concentration away from my work. I didn't feel as up as yesterday, but I wasn't as down as I had been earlier in the week. Today just helps me realize that I need to continue taking things one day at a time.

On a good note, I decided to cash out my TDA that I setup when I was with Downey Unified as a teacher 8+ years ago. It only had like $550 dollars in it and I figured we would wind up with $300-$400 after taxes, fees, etc. It showed up today and was for $388. That was nice since I didn't know when to expect it. We may be able to make some repairs around the house now (slowly leaking toilet hose and a non-functional garbage disposal). It would also be nice to use some for Christmas too.

That's another thing that has come about. We recently sent an e-mail to some family and friends that we typically exchange gifts with at Christmas to let them know we wouldn't be doing that this year due to finances. I was glad Traci put the e-mail together (and ran past me before sending) because that would have been very tough for me, not that it wasn't for her. My main concern with Christmas gifts is our girls and I think we'll be able to manage that this year. I the in-laws have offered to help, which is another blow to absorb, but is ultimately a good thing. I just hope Christmas doesn't affect me in a negative way this year because of how little we are able to give. I think I'll just need to focus more than usual on the true meaning of Christmas this year.

On a separate note, I've been realizing something lately that may have a little to do with this whole depression thing, downtime, whatever you want to call it. Not too long before all this (a few months at most), I heard a song that very quickly became my favorite: Matthew West's "The Motions". He sings about not wanting to just go through the motions and having Christ's passion us. Since hearing that song, I had thought and prayed that I didn't just want to go through the motions, because a lot of the time, that's what it feels like, even though I try to enjoy the moment and time I have here, especially with Traci and Courtney and Skyler. I guess God realized I was serious. And now look where I'm at.

A Little Rough Patch

So after having fought through more tough feelings each morning this week, I called in sick yesterday. I feel horrible about this because I really wanted to make it through the week. Monday was fine (my first day back). Tuesday was a little rough in the morning. Wednesday was very rough in the morning. Then came yesterday (Thursday).

I felt fine getting ready for work here at the home. Normal routine, no problems. Drove to the train station, bought my ticket and got on the train. That's where it all went downhill. I went about 6 miles on the train or so and at that point, the second stop (Long Beach Blvd.), I got up, got off the train and hopped on the next train back to Norwalk. When I got off, I paced a little bit because of how I felt and how frustrated I was that I was still having feeling like this. The train came only a couple of minutes later and arrived in Norwalk about 10 minutes or so later. I was on the edge of tears from the time I got off the first train, all the way back to Norwalk. I got back to my car, called and left a message for my boss and then just sat in my car and cried for a minute or two.

I was horribly frustrated and embarrassed. I didn't want to go home and face Traci and tell her that I felt the way I did. I didn't want to go anywhere else because, well, it was about 6:00 in the morning and very few places are open then. Finally, once I cleared up the tears, I drove home. I figured that was the best place to be. Dealing with the frustration and embarrassment of telling Traci was the best option I had. So that's what I did. I was embarrassed when Courtney saw me come back in the door about 6:30. She seemed concerned and I only uttered these words after she asked me why I was home a few times: "I don't feel well." If I said anymore I felt like I would have started crying again, which I've avoided doing in front of the kids so far.

Later the in-laws came over to drop off some money, something I'm still not comfortable with, but is very much needed and appreciated. My father-in-law then came over and we talked for a few minutes about my general situation...not a lot of detail. It's nice to know they care and are concerned. It also isn't too bad talking about it all, on a high level, at this point. But again, it's still embarrassing to me, and frustrating that I still feel like I do sometimes.

Today was a little better as I didn't feel too bad, but am still dealing with the disappointment and embarrassment of where I am at at this point. However, there was a minute this morning, dropping Skyler off at Whittier Christian, that made me think about my feeling that seem to develop when going to work. She had a rough car ride to school, throwing a fit and crying/screaming. When we got there, we told her we would have to leave soon and that her teacher would help her feel better. She was very clingy, as a result of the fit and crying episode in the car I assume. It was like I was telling her something that I need to tell myself; that it's going to be alright. I'll get through this. Let's just hope I do. I felt so sure that I could conquer this. But after the past couple of days, I have a feeling it may take a lot longer than I imagined.

If there was any good news we got this week, it was that our prescription insurance carrier, Medco, contacted my doctor about changing my Lexapro to a generic (Citalopram). After consulting briefly with the pharmacist, I figured it would be fine to change. That will be a nice little savings each month as my cost will go from $26.60 for Lexapro, to $4.00 (for 30-day supply) and that it could be changed to a $10, 90-day supply at the first refill. I'm all for that!

The rest of this weekend may be a little challenging as Traci is at our church's women's retreat. She and four others (including Shauna) left just after 4:00 today. The girls are missing her a little already, but are really looking forward to swimming at Grandma and Papa's house tomorrow. My parents will be there as well, so if I'm not feeling up to the task, I will have support around me. I think on Sunday, I may just go to 11:10 service and skip Sunday School so that I can sit with my parents in service. We'll see though. I haven't settled on that though. I think I can get through this weekend. Let's hope so at least.

Back to Work

Well, I returned to work on Monday this week. It went well and I figured it would be more of an adjustment day than anything, which it was. I was able to get some things done and get the feel for being back in the office. It was nice to see my co-workers again. I felt good when the day was over. I had a meeting that kicked off an audit at 8:00 so there wasn't much time to waste.

Yesterday was tough in the morning. I don't know if it is just anxiety or what. I thought it was anxiety, but with the way I feel today, much worse than yesterday, I'm not sure. On the way into work this morning, and before (back at the house, getting ready to come in), I felt very unsure, stressed and upset. Figuring it would go away as I headed to work, I kept getting ready with my normal workday routine. The closer I got to work, the worse it seemed to get. By the time I was off the bus and walking to the shuttle to take me to the refinery, I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball and just cry. I can't explain why these feelings are still here. I guess it's all part of the recovery. At least it feels like I'm recovering.

There was something that scared me on the train this morning as we neared my exit. I pictured myself getting off the train one exit early, jumping the track, climbing the fence and then jumping the 20-30 feet below to the parking lot (and not trying to land on my feet). I have no idea why that thought came in my head or where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there and I couldn't ignore it, although I was able to get it out of my head within a couple of minutes. But seriously, where did it come from?! I thought I was getting better. I don't need thoughts like that! Man this whole depression thing sucks!

Consistency...Finally

When I started this blog I originally wanted to use it as a daily journal or something like that. Obviously, it hasn't out that way, but that's ok. I haven't posted in a while and that's a good thing. It means things haven't been that bad lately. I actually feel as if there is some consistency in my life again; how I'm feeling, daily routines (like taking the girls to school and picking them up). I even went to the gym yesterday for the time in a couple of months or so. I made sure not to make it too strenuous since it had been a while, but it was good to add something else to the routine, plus I went with Traci who goes almost daily.

I definitely feel as if I'm headed back in the direction that I was hoping I would. Sure the financial struggle hasn't gone away, but I feel more like I'm taking it one day at a time. I still think about things down the road, but I don't focus on them as much, figuring we'll deal with it as it gets closer (and more important). I'm not back to normal, and I feel as if I may never get back there, but I'm feeling better. Maybe it's God, maybe it's the medication, maybe something else or all of the above. Whatever it is, I like it and hope things continue to improve.

I think it also has to do with something my therapist said and talked about with me. She has tried to get me to focus on the positive things in my life and she has said that I'm pretty accomplished, in my prime, etc. When I've had time to think about that, she's right. I have a roof over my head as well as my familys', I have a good, enjoyable job (which is a big plus in the current economy!), a loving and supportive family. So in the big picture, I'm really doing alright, and that's what I need to focus on.

Up and Down Day

The past week has been full of excitement around here as Skyler started preschool on Monday and Courtney started kindergarten on Wednesday. They have both now completed their first week of school and both are enjoying it.

Personally, I have had two times in the past week when I felt completely normal. One was one this week when I was just laying on the couch next to Traci and she had her arm across me. It was very comfortable and relaxing. The other time was when I woke up one morning, but I won't go into details about why I felt normal.

Today, however, was a different story. I had to fight off negative feelings in the morning. First, it was because I had to do bills since today was payday, and I knew we didn't have enough money to pay for everything (bills) that come out of this paycheck. (I wound up pulling the max amount of cash I could from our Chevron gas card and deposited it into our checking to pay bills. We are still about $2 short, but I have at least $125 extra coming from work so hopefully it will arrive before the gym automatic deduction hits on the 15th.) Secondly, because I went to the dentist and received a gingivitis treatment, which I didn't know was coming until they examined me, which means I just added over $100 to a dentist bill that is already over $600. Fortunately, they are working with us and letting us do $50 payments each month. I don't think we can even afford that, but somehow we'll make it work. (I won't even get into the fact that my sister and niece just flew into town and aren't coming our way to visit, so we have to trek out to Corona to see her. Oh, and her husband, my brother-in-law, was in the hospital this morning as a result of illness.)

After that, the day turned around dramatically, thank goodness. One of Traci's friends from MOPS said she was going to come by with some groceries. (Traci has let the MOPS leadership team know, in general, what is going on and has kept them up to date so they can pray for me and us.) She brought over quite a bit of food that will help us make it to next Friday when we are supposed to be getting $100 from the in-laws again. We need a few ingredients for some of the things, but not much really. Traci's friend also gave us a card with the food. When we opened it after she left, we saw that there was a $75 Safeway (Vons around here) gift card! What a blessing! We can now go get those extra ingredients and more! What an answer to prayer! That on top of what we have left on the Target gift card (about $38 of the original $100), given to us by another of Traci's friends from church, should hold us over for a little while, in terms of food.

So while today started off with frustration and in general not being good, it generally turned around pretty well in the afternoon. The Dodgers lost, but in the grand scheme of things, I can live with that. Let's hope tomorrow goes well as we spend the day in Corona (and 2-3 hours in the car). At least my parents, grandma, sister and niece will be there.

Up-to-date Finally

This week has presented another challenge. Monday, I got the parking lot at the train station and was on the edge of tears. Since I didn't know if I could make it through the day like that (I doubt I could have), I called my boss and headed back home. This really threw me off because the weekend was so great and work had gone pretty well last week. Oh the joys of depression. You don't know how you're going to feel from day to day.

Tuesday I still didn't feel all that great, but made myself go in because I had a meeting in the morning at 8:00. I made it through the meeting ok, fortunately. There was some important stuff that affects how I do my job (and everyone else in the department). After that, it was back down and so I headed home.

At this point I called my therapist to see what she thought about time off from work. She said due to the contract she has with my work/insurance, I would have to have my doctor write the note for time off. So I call my doctor and he is on vacation for the next week. The nurse I talked to didn't know what kind of paperwork I needed so she said she would get back to me. Finally, I called the advisor at work and a few hours later he helped clarify how the process works. I called my therapist back and let her know what I learned. Finally, she wrote the note. Funny thing is I don't need a note. Once she gave the ok, I had to make a call to the company that manages our disability program at work. Then they take care of any paperwork that needs to be done.

So after all was said and done, I picked up the letter from my therapist Tuesday night and am now on leave/disability until Monday, September 21. Again, this is not something I have gone through before, so it's a weird feeling being home everyday. However, it is better than being at work where I constantly had a hard time concentrating on my work and was in and out of the office for the past several weeks. Another reason my therapist was in favor of time off, was so the new dosage of my medication (Lexapro, 20 mg) could take effect. We'll see how that goes and hopefully when the 21st rolls around, I'll be back at work into a normal routine again. If there is a silver lining to all of this, I'll be able to take the girls to their first days of school next week. (I already had Courtney's first day as a vacation day, but wasn't planning on going to Sky's first day.)

An Awesome (and much needed) Weekend

As I mentioned, the weekend that just past (Aug 21-23) was a lot of fun; something I really needed. Friday, we got together with Mindy, Gracie, Ellen, Preston and Eric and took in a Dodger game, my fifth of the year. They we playing the Cubs. We went with the cheapest seats available, which are way up in the top deck. I always picture everything looking so small from up there, but when we got to our seats, the view was great. We could see everything just fine.

We had a really good time hanging out and talking and eating. The Dodgers won 2-1 and the game only last about 2 1/2 hours, which was followed by fireworks, which are always really good there. Afterwards, we hung out above the seats until a security asked us to leave because they were about to close the gates. (I claim this as my first time of being kicked out of Dodger Stadium.) Once outside the gates, we continued hanging out and talking for at least half an hour. Courtney and Skyler got an aftershock of sugar rush or something like that as they were running around and playing and keeping us entertained between conversations. Eventually, we left and got home at like 11:30 if I remember correctly. And the game ended at like 9:40. The drive only took maybe 45 minutes, so you can see how loch we hung out afterwards.

Staying so late Friday may not have been the best idea since we were leaving at 8:00 the next morning to drive down to San Diego (Crown Point in Mission Bay Park) for Traci's family's annual family reunion. It's always fun and there's a ton of food. I drove and we took Don with us since Marcia was in Washington for a wedding. It was a great drive, only about an hour and 45 minutes! When we got there, I had some of my negative feelings start creeping back in. I didn't want anybody to know what I had been going through or how I was feeling. Fortunately, the feelings weren't as strong as they have been in the past. The fact that they still come around whenever really irritates me, though. The girls got to play in the water even though we didn't have their bathing suits. We rolled up their pants and told them to just get their feet wet. Of course, being 3 and 5, they eventually got soaked, led by Skyler, who is always the fearless one. But whatever, they had a good time, and we had backup outfits for them. Eventually, after the group (of about 50 or so) photo, we packed up and headed home. I think it was about 3:30 when we left. It took us about 2 hours 15 minutes to get home...not too bad. Just a couple of patches of slowing on the way home.

Sunday brought the highlight of my month to fruition. However, we started the day off at church as usual. Traci and I taught Courtney's class during the 11:10 hour. When we volunteered to do this, I didn't realize what I would have already gone through. Fortunately, I was ok to do it this morning. It worked out well as we had 4 kids and 5 teachers. The kids were good and listened and there were no problems. It was after church when I got really giddy.

Back in March I discovered that WWE was having Summerslam at the Staples Center. My friend Don and I are into wrestling and we decided to buy tickets to it. Turns out we were two rows from the top of Staples, but the view was still good. We got there plenty early to make sure we had parking (which was $20, but fortunately Don offered to pay since I drove). We walked around the area blocked off for Axxess, which was the fan festival area. We still got to see some cool stuff, like a live wrestling match from 50 feet away or so.

A little bit later we got in line to get into Staples. By the time they actually opened the doors, the lines had doubles in length (and width) behind us. So we got in, found our seats, then got food ($10.15 for a Quarter Pounder meal from McDonalds?! Are you serious?!) and headed back to out seats. What an experience this was. This is a whole different blog in itself, but it was not disappointing. I would definitely do it again. Don seemed to have a really good time too. We've chatted about how cool it would be to go to Phoenix for Wrestlemania 26 next year, but there's no way I have the money for that. And so this amazingly fun weekend has come to a close. I had no idea what the week ahead would hold, but I had high expectations after such a fun weekend.

The Best Work Week Yet

The following work week went surprisingly well. I had to fight the negative feelings in the morning, but managed to make it through and get some things done. I worked all day Monday, Wednesday and Thursday and most of the morning on Tuesday. For some reason on Tuesday, I was feeling more down that I had. I can't explain it and I don't know why. It just happens and that has been extremely frustrating during this whole depression battle. I don't feel like I have control over my feelings. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop for stuff like this so I roll with the punches the best I can. Other than that it was a fairly uneventful week.

I had another appointment Thursday night. At that point, I was feeling pretty good, which was a nice change. Perhaps it was because I knew I had a fun weekend ahead of me. Whatever, the case, Victoria (my therapist) noticed a difference too as I seemed to be smiling more and in a more upbeat mood. It was a good way to end the workweek. It also presented a bit of a challenge as my next appointment was not for another 4 weeks or so because she was heading on vacation. She gave me her cell, but I have no intention of using it unless things get really bad. And with the crap I've gone through emotionally, that's no guarantee...unfortunately.

Taking a Break

The weekend that followed wasn't too bad, but wasn't ideal. On Saturday, I had a therapist appointment that conflicted with a birthday party at the same time. So I went to the appointment and then headed to the birthday party. Fortunately, we had enough money to get a birthday present for our friends' kid, who was turning 3. I was very scared that we weren't going to have enough money to get him anything, which would have made me now want to go for fear of embarrassment and shame (from myself). The party went well and we had a good time.

Sunday was pretty good as we went to church in the morning and then met up with some friends at Disneyland. It was packed and we parked really far away, with no tram service. We got our exercise, but made it there. The kids did really well considering how far we had to walk. We also had a really good time there just having fun. It was really cut watching Courtney walk with Preston all night. She really likes him. It was cool that she remembered him since we don't him and Ellen very often. We were there for a while, like 3:00-8:00 or so. I don't think we got home until 9:30. That darn walk took a long time. I think this night was nice because it took my mind off of my problems. So another weekend, this one a good, especially compared to the previous weekend, and now on to the work week.

A New Week

After the talk we had in bed the night before, the next day was still very tough to start. I felt humbled, but still down. We needed to get ready for church so I couldn't stay in bed nearly as long as I had the day before. I had no desire to go to church. I was such a disappointment to God that I didn't want to face Him either. The only problem is, there's no running from God. I wished that wasn't the case at this time. So, we got ready for church as I didn't (and couldn't) disrupt the girls' Sunday routine. Ironically, even though I wanted nothing to do with God, two of my favorite worship songs were sung that morning in church ("Mighty to Save" and "How Great is Our God").

We finished church and went home. Although I was still down all day, the girls were pretty affectionate with me. I was glad to see that the miserable day before hadn't scare them away from me. It was nice to feel loved, but it didn't really help how I was feeling. This day was a day of going through the motions.

Monday was another day and my scheduled return to work from vacation. Things didn't work out that way, however. I woke up with my alarm at 4:30, showered and had breakfast. I didn't feel right so I called and left a message for my boss saying I couldn't come in because I wasn't feeling well. I headed back to bed.

When I crawled back in, I laid there for a minute and then put my hand on my wife. She realized I was still there, or back again, after my alarm and asked what I was still doing there. I told her I couldn't go in and started crying like I haven't cried in a long time. I think all the emotions I had been dealing with had finally overwhelmed me and couldn't be stopped. I just kept crying and trying to explain to Traci how I felt between the sobs. I'm sure I looked pretty pathetic at that point, but I needed it to happen. Eventually I calmed down. I was surprised how calm and reassuring Traci was.

Later that day, I sent an e-mail to my boss letting him know what was going on (that I was dealing with depression) so that he wouldn't suspect I was just flaky after vacation. Fortunately he was very supportive and wanted to make sure I took care of myself. Also, I called my therapist to see if she had an appointment today instead of Saturday since it was a rough weekend. Fortunately, she had a cancellation and I was able to see her that night. It was at this point, that she strongly recommended going on medication and gave me a referral to take to my doctor. It felt good, although painful, to tell my therapist how the weekend had gone and that the vacation wasn't relaxing like vacations are supposed to be.

Tuesday, I managed to return to work and spend all day going through 100+ e-mails that had accumulated during my time away. It also didn't help that I left early to go to the doctor, for the prescription. My doctor was very supportive of beginning the medication which I also realized was probably a good thing. It was a hard day, but I managed to make it through.

Wednesday was another story. I woke up and got ready for work and again wound up calling in sick. I just felt too down to be of any use in the office so back to bed I went, but not until I heard Traci ask who I was calling as I started dialing my boss' number. We talked for a good hour a half with her trying to convince me that I should go in, but I wasn't about to give in as I was feeling like crap.

Ultimately I stayed in bed for a while, until after noon. However, at some point I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just laid there and many negative thoughts were running through my head. I again did not want to face the world or see anybody. It's kind of scary to look back on, even though it was just last week. I was thinking of various ways I could end it all if I had the guts. If I drove into work, there were walls or polls I could drive into; bridges I could probably drive off of; or take the train and hope there was someone crazy on there that could help me end it. This is not typically how I think, but I really didn't care much that day. I just didn't want to exist and work was the last thing on my mind.

I eventually got out of bed when Traci fixed my lunch for me, which was very sweet of her. Of course I still felt down, and the day was half over, but it was now underway. I managed to make it through the rest of the day unscathed. My mother-in-law came over at one point, so Traci and I decided that I should go do something while she was there so we wouldn't have to deal with her questions. I headed off to Target to price school supplies. Then wound up going to Best Buy just to look since she was staying longer than we anticipated. However, we made it just fine and ultimately, I could cross another day off my calendar.

Thursday was uneventful as I went back to work. I did talk with my boss and his boss, who directs the analytical part of my job, and they were amazingly supportive. That is good to know as it is one less thing I have to worry about. I had also chatted with Larry when I returned a couple days earlier and he recommended seeing the advisor we have on site at work. He wasn't available until the following Monday (three days ago now). I made it through the work day and had finished a minimal part of the work week.

The Talk

Once we went to bed after playing games, we laid there for a few minutes silently. I could feel like we needed to talk (and I knew we needed to). Once the silence was broken, we began to talk. I forget who talked first. I had feelings to get out in very few words. Traci on the other hand had a lot to say.

This was easily the hardest talk we have ever had. I know she expressed a lot of concern and a did a lot of crying, as could be expected from and a concerned and upset wife. I know she expressed a lot of concern and feelings about how I had acted all day. The one thing I remember her saying from the conversation was that she felt I had given up on her and the kids. While that hurt to hear, I felt nearly emotionless at the time, too wrapped up in how I was feeling and the distance I had created from the isolation. Most times when we have a serious talk and tears are involved, I'm right there emotionally, but this night was different, and I didn't like it. I felt so distant which didn't bother me much at the time. In hindsight, it was a surefire sign of how low I had gotten from all this. While I don't know what the future holds, I hope it doesn't include another talk or night like this.

Eventually we fell asleep and that was the end of the day...thankfully...finally.

The Low Point...at least for now

Once we were home from the trip, it was nice to relax and just spend time at home. It seems like everytime I take time off from work, we're heading somewhere. Tuesday and Wednesday we just hung out at home for the most part. Courtney had swim lessons although she didn't go Tuesday because she was sick. We took her to the doctor, but that was about the extent of the excitement from what I can remember.

Thursday and Friday took me and Traci to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit up at church. There were a bunch of great speakers that had great messages, but I just couldn't seem to get fully into it. I was still down and knew that we had someone else pay for us to be there (a total of $150). We also volunteered in the food setup and preparation.

It was Friday that represented the beginning of the low point. It was payday which meant bills needed to get paid. Friday night I sat down and did the bills. Two bills had to go unpaid (they will be paid tomorrow finally!) because we had $2 left in savings and $.06 left in checking after the other bills and mortgage had been written. I didn't feel like I could look at Traci without feeling bad and like a failure or disappointment. We had always been able to pay our bills (just barely sometimes) before. I felt really irresponsible. And so the isolation began. I did a few things to avoid having to talk or do anything with Traci. (The girls were already asleep.) Eventually we made it to bed.

The next morning was horrible. I laid in bed as long as I could. I didn't want to face my family or the world as I felt unworthy of existing at all. Eventually, I just laid there, unable to sleep. The sun was up and everybody else was up. Finally after 11:00, and listening to our toilet refill and refill and refill and Skyler throwing a fit and Traci threatening her with a time out, I couldn't take it any more.

I went out there, picked a screaming Skyler up, took her to her room, set her on her bed and slammed her door. I turned around and a scared, crying Courtney was standing there. I forget what she said to me, but at this point, I was almost out of my mind anyway. Once I got dressed and went out there, Traci said something to me and I responded sarcastically by saying, "Don't worry, I'll leave soon."

The next hour or so is a blur but I know I was miserable and in a horrible mood. I didn't want to deal with anybody or anything so I continued my isolation as much as possible. After we had all eaten lunch, Traci took the girls to the park just to get them and herself away from me because I was doing no good being around them. So they left.

Then I did too. I left Traci a note saying I would be back in a while. I then set my cell phone up on top of the video case and left. I never go anywhere without my cell phone. However, this time, I did not want to be disturbed. Sure, something could have happened where I would have needed my cell phone, but I didn't care. I wanted to have no contact with those I knew. I ended up at the gas station first because I needed gas to go just about anywhere. Then I headed to Disneyland. I figured that may take my mind off things at least a little.

While there, I went on the Mark Twain Steamboat and took advantage of the single rider passes at Indiana Jones and then over at California Screamin' in DCA. Those are a couple of my favorite rides (except for Mark Twain, which is just relaxing). After that, it was back home. I had been gone for about 3 hours. I wanted to stay longer but was going to need to eat soon and had no money.

When I got home, Traci gave me a big hug as she had gotten concerned about me. The girls were napping on the couch, although Courtney woke up just long enough to see me come through the front door. After the hug, I continued my isolation, but to a slightly lesser degree. I still didn't want to associate myself with the family and just wanted to be myself. However, Traci's aunt was coming over that night to play games with us. Ultimately, she did and we played games although I was still not happy. Eventually, we ended the game night and headed to bed.

A Vacation - Not So Much

On Friday, after the girls had finished VBS, we headed up to Shaver Lake for our annual camping trip with Traci's family. Everybody else wasn't arriving until Saturday, but her parents wanted an extra day for us, so we went. This is usually an enjoyable trip and a good time for relaxing, eating and playing. This year was different.

I was still sick (with the cold) when we left Friday. The drive up wasn't horrible, but I wasn't feeling well. Nonetheless we made it up there. I continued to feel sick on Saturday as well when everyone else was arriving and setting up. At one point, I went back to the trailer and just rested for a while. Fortunately, this was the last day I felt sick. Unfortunately, it was replaced by other issues.

The next day, the depression seemed to take over and I really didn't feel like being there. I didn't want to go to the lake. I didn't want to fake my way through the rest of the trip. I didn't want people to notice anything was wrong. I just did not want to be around people at all, especially people who know me and could probably tell if I wasn't acting like myself. But I continued on with the trip and had to deal with one incident of my mother-in-law grilling me as to why I didn't seem happy to be there. I eventually told her it was because it's not like how it used to be and that the crowd has changed. That was partly true, but a minor factor in the way I was feeling.

The truth is, I was getting down because I realized all the money people were spending or had spent while camping and that we had paid nothing. We were the freeloaders. Although my in laws didn't mind this, it didn't help how I was feeling. This was a feeling that would not leave for the remainder of the trip. It really put a damper on this year's trip.

The drive home was ok. I got pretty frustrated when we one of the girls was getting ice cream all over herself and seat. Just one of those things that when I was in the mood I was in, it can really get to me and downgrade me quickly, which it did.

Eventually we made it home and back to life at our house. I was looking forward to the rest of the week at home. I had no idea that it would turn out the way it did.

Changes: Therapy Begins, Church and Illness

My first appointment with the therapist on Friday the 24th went well. I didn't know what to expect since I had never done this before. All she had to do was ask one question and I found it very easy to open up. (Plus if I didn't open up, therapy probably wouldn't do much good.) The question was something like, what happened to make you want to come here? Immediately I let her in on the background of what had happened recently and what I had been feeling. I was kind of surprised how easy it was to talk to her and how easily words flowed right out of me. I think maybe I was just at the point where I needed to talk to someone besides Traci. It's great having her to talk to, but I think I also needed to talk to someone who who could help me in a different way.

After about 45 minutes, the appointment was over and I went to join my family, parents and old, long distance family friends who were in town. We just told them I had an appointment as I wasn't ready to let anybody else know what was going on. My mom made the assumption that it was a dentist appointment and so we went along with it. I felt kind of bad for lying in a sense, but there was no way I was telling them where I really was. I was already feeling weak and vulnerable enough. I didn't need those feelings to get any stronger, especially around people we only see once or twice a year. I made it through the morning ok and then life continued.

I was excited for the following day as we had a beach day planned with another couple from our Sunday School class, which I had led for the past few years. The girls were really looking forward to the beach: playing in the sand and going in the water. We had to be very cautious in the water though as the waves were abnormally high. (I heard on the news it was due to a major storm off the coast of New Zealand. Really? Seriously?) We had fun and remembered to bring the girls' buckets and shovels so they could try to build sand castles. It really was a fun time, something I really needed. We then headed back to our house for a dinner BBQ where another couple from our class joined us. After dinner, we played games well into the night, around midnight I think. This was also a great time as we played Apples to Apples and had many good laughs during the course of the game. It really helped me to relax and enjoy life in the moment. Thank goodness for friends.

Sunday started off normal as we went to church. It was the last time our class (and all the classes, except for preschool) would meet for the summer. It was also my Sunday as leader of our class, Roads and Bridges. I had led it for the last few years. I had been getting burned out and felt like it was time to move on from class leadership. I had let them know a few weeks earlier and nobody has stepped forward. Fortunately someone did and ran a bunch of his ideas past the class, which very quickly got on board with him. I was glad to see that.

Leading this class was something I viewed as at least partial failure on my part (in addition to the other failures I have already mentioned). Class attendance had dropped and my attempt at splitting out leadership duties had failed miserably. However, it was good that we made connections with every couple in the class. Nonetheless, I was not doing the class much good.

After church, life at home made a relatively sudden, but temporary, change. Traci began not feeling well. By the time we headed to bed, she was down and out; really not feeling well. By the time I woke up for work Monday morning, she had been leveled by this cold or whatever kind of bug it was. I asked her if she needed me to stay home to help her and the kids. She said that would be great but that she didn't want to ask me. I called my work and told them I wouldn't be coming in because my wife was sick. Fortunately, my boss, and his boss, who also directs some of my work, are very understanding people. So I stayed home, took care of her and got the kids to and from the first day of VBS at church. I was glad I did that as she was rarely vertical that day.

Tuesday, she was not much better, but I had a meeting in the morning, so I went in. After attending the meeting, I brought my laptop home so that I could be home to take care of her while still getting some work done. This actually worked out pretty good. My mom had taken the girls to VBS and taken them home with her afterwards since she was volunteering there for the week. At this point in time, my focus had shifted from how I was feeling to making sure Traci was taken care of.

By Wednesday, she feeling just well enough that I was able to go back into work. Plus, since I had the following week scheduled off for vacation, I knew it didn't look good missing this much time right before vacation. So I went in. By the afternoon, I was getting achy and not feeling well. I made it through the day because I knew I needed to. I also somehow made it in Thursday even though the cold had established itself in me. Fortunately, I was not nearly as bad off as Traci. I was just achy and had a cough, but that's bad enough. With a deadline for one of my responsibilities looming, I needed to be there that day. I was able to get done what I needed to. It felt good to leave work that day. I accomplished a lot, I wasn't feeling as down as I had and I knew I had the next week off.

The Turning Point

The next week turned out to be a crucial turning point in the process of Depression (or so I've been told by a couple of people). The work week began and everything was still weighing on me. Financial matters have bothered me in the past, but it has never lasted close to this long. I felt like I needed to talk to someone or let someone else know how I was feeling.

I forget what day it was early that week (probably Monday), but I wrote an e-mail to Traci from work. I let her know in general how I was feeling and that I had written something to help get my feelings out and where I had put it when I got home from work the day I wrote it. She read it (and the lyrics) and seemed pretty shocked and concerned. We exchanged several e-mails that day talking about it and my feelings.

On Wednesday of that week (July 22), I posted the following status on Facebook: "Scott Steinman would appreciate your prayers." I figured I would get some comments on this, but didn't expect so quickly and as many as I got. It felt good to have people praying for me. However, Traci also got some questions and calls about what was going on, which she didn't want to deal with. So I changed my status at her request. I had no problems with that. I didn't want her to have to deal with anything like that (or feel like she had to deal with that); it wasn't fair to her.

We (Traci and I) went on to exchange a number of e-mails that week. Over the course of that week, I did some research on if there were any benefits available for mental health as a part of my benefit package through work. I was glad to see that benefits were available. (All I needed was another major expense to add into our already-tight budget!)

Traci and I talked about the possibility of me starting to see a counselor so I called the benefit provider and asked for a referral list of providers near home. (This was part of the referral process for using these benefits. I then needed to let them know who I planned to start seeing and then they would get in touch with them to communicate what needed to be communicated about my benefits for the services.) After looking over the list and doing some research on each of the counselors that looked like possibilities (over the course of a day or two), I decided to start seeing Victoria Hanley, LMFT. She's in La Habra so it's a short drive, maybe 10 minutes, but far enough away that it doesn't feel like I'm going next door. I scheduled my first appointment for that Friday, July 24.

The Rest of the Week

I originally intended that first entry to be a letter to Traci. Then I decided against it because I wanted to just be able to get out what I was feeling. I had been like that on Monday as well, but decided not to do anything because I figured it would go away. But it didn't. Traci had no idea I was feeling this way and I kept if from her because I didn't want to worry her (and I thought it would go away). Then Wednesday rolled around and I was still feeling the same way. I decided to try to write lyrics to a song and so I did. I don't like how it turned out, so I'll just leave that on the paper and let it collect dust.

When Thursday rolled around, I didn't feel like getting up and going to work as it was still weighing on me. So, I called in sick. My family just thought I didn't feel well, which was true, but they didn't know the real reason. I pretty much laid around all day and didn't do much; just felt down and out.

Friday was a good day as we went swimming at a family member's house. It was a lot of fun and helped me "ease up" some. Plus seeing the kids have fun was good.

Saturday rolled around and Traci went to a baby shower for a friend. (I could go into that as well, but that would take me way off the subject of this blog.) I decided to take the girls to DCA (Disney's California Adventure). We had fun there and took some cute pictures, but the drive home brought me back down as the girls would not listen to me and were bothering each other. Yelling at the top of my lungs a couple of times did nothing to help as they pretty much ignored me. Of course, this was extremely irritating and brought me down quickly, back into the depressed feeling. Just couldn't help but feel like a failure as a father at that point.

Somehow I made it through the week, but not without sustaining some damage that I don't think I realized was the beginning of what appears to be a pretty long journey and recovery.

The Background

Based on the timing of the previous entry and when I originally wrote it, I should not have been down at all. That was a Tuesday and we had just gotten home from visiting family in Colorado the previous Saturday. It was a great trip and lots of time spent with a bunch of family just hanging out since they all decided to move 1,000 miles away. However, upon returning home, bills needed to be written and I was quickly reminded of reality: that we have enough money for bills, maybe some food and pretty much nothing else. I won't be getting a bonus until March, which is also about the time we usually get our tax refunds back. We are in the same situation as last year.

Because I feel like I am the leader of the family, I should have better managed our finances before. Then again, a dishonest mortgage broker certainly didn't help either, taking a fair amount of our money that had been promised to us. Whatever the case, we barely have enough money to pay for what we need, and sometimes we have to ask for some from the in-laws.

I hate doing that. I don't want to feel like a charity. It's embarrassing and shameful to me that I can't provide what my family needs. What a failure! All of a sudden it has all come crashing down on me and it has been very hard to handle. It has put me into depression which is a new experience for me.

In times like these, writing can help me get some of my feelings out. Thus the reason for this new blog. Also, in the back of my mind, and as mentioned in my previous entry, even though these are the darkest days of my life so far, I still think God has plans for me. (If he didn't, I wouldn't be here.) So maybe by getting this out, I can somehow, some way, someday help someone going through something similar. But right now, it's about me and getting better.

July 14, 2009 - The Beginning

I wrote the entire following entry on July 14, 2009 while at work because I could not concentrate on work or anything else:

Life is a struggle. So many roles, so many responsibilities. And yet it continues. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.

I'm not sure what exactly causes these thoughts or why they seem to enter my mind so often. I just can't help it. I expect the best from myself, but I always seem to let myself down. In just about every part of my life I can see at least some failure.

The biggest failure I see right now is financial. I've been a horrible financial leader for my family. Everyone seems generally happy and I try to act happy as well. Sometimes, though, it's just an act. I hate accepting money from my in-laws for food and medicine. That is what I am supposed to provide. I have a good job that pays well and seems relatively secure. Yet because of past decisions, we struggle financially. I hate feeling like this and living like this as I can't provide for my family the way I am supposed to.

Fortunately, my family loves me. They let me know that everyday. When I come home from work, the girls are excited to see me and give me a big hug and kiss when I walk through the door (if they are awake). My wife is always ready for a hug and kiss. It always feels good to be in her arms. If I did not have them, there truly would be no reason to go on.

Sometimes thoughts of suicide cross through my mind and how easy it would be to drive into a pole or wall on my way to from work. With my luck though, I would probably fail at that too. If I wasn't around, there would be 2 life insurance policies to cash in on. However, I also know that the hole created by my departure could not be replaced with money. Therefore, I go on.

I know God doesn't want me to feel this way. I feel as if He has big plans for me, although I don't know what. I think He is waiting for me to get over me. I know He loves me, but I also think I'm disappointing Him.

I just wish all of these feelings of failure and struggle would go away. I just want it to end. But I continue with a hope that I (and my family) will make it through this struggle. That's the beauty of God...with Him, there is always hope, no matter how bad things may seem.