A New Week

After the talk we had in bed the night before, the next day was still very tough to start. I felt humbled, but still down. We needed to get ready for church so I couldn't stay in bed nearly as long as I had the day before. I had no desire to go to church. I was such a disappointment to God that I didn't want to face Him either. The only problem is, there's no running from God. I wished that wasn't the case at this time. So, we got ready for church as I didn't (and couldn't) disrupt the girls' Sunday routine. Ironically, even though I wanted nothing to do with God, two of my favorite worship songs were sung that morning in church ("Mighty to Save" and "How Great is Our God").

We finished church and went home. Although I was still down all day, the girls were pretty affectionate with me. I was glad to see that the miserable day before hadn't scare them away from me. It was nice to feel loved, but it didn't really help how I was feeling. This day was a day of going through the motions.

Monday was another day and my scheduled return to work from vacation. Things didn't work out that way, however. I woke up with my alarm at 4:30, showered and had breakfast. I didn't feel right so I called and left a message for my boss saying I couldn't come in because I wasn't feeling well. I headed back to bed.

When I crawled back in, I laid there for a minute and then put my hand on my wife. She realized I was still there, or back again, after my alarm and asked what I was still doing there. I told her I couldn't go in and started crying like I haven't cried in a long time. I think all the emotions I had been dealing with had finally overwhelmed me and couldn't be stopped. I just kept crying and trying to explain to Traci how I felt between the sobs. I'm sure I looked pretty pathetic at that point, but I needed it to happen. Eventually I calmed down. I was surprised how calm and reassuring Traci was.

Later that day, I sent an e-mail to my boss letting him know what was going on (that I was dealing with depression) so that he wouldn't suspect I was just flaky after vacation. Fortunately he was very supportive and wanted to make sure I took care of myself. Also, I called my therapist to see if she had an appointment today instead of Saturday since it was a rough weekend. Fortunately, she had a cancellation and I was able to see her that night. It was at this point, that she strongly recommended going on medication and gave me a referral to take to my doctor. It felt good, although painful, to tell my therapist how the weekend had gone and that the vacation wasn't relaxing like vacations are supposed to be.

Tuesday, I managed to return to work and spend all day going through 100+ e-mails that had accumulated during my time away. It also didn't help that I left early to go to the doctor, for the prescription. My doctor was very supportive of beginning the medication which I also realized was probably a good thing. It was a hard day, but I managed to make it through.

Wednesday was another story. I woke up and got ready for work and again wound up calling in sick. I just felt too down to be of any use in the office so back to bed I went, but not until I heard Traci ask who I was calling as I started dialing my boss' number. We talked for a good hour a half with her trying to convince me that I should go in, but I wasn't about to give in as I was feeling like crap.

Ultimately I stayed in bed for a while, until after noon. However, at some point I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just laid there and many negative thoughts were running through my head. I again did not want to face the world or see anybody. It's kind of scary to look back on, even though it was just last week. I was thinking of various ways I could end it all if I had the guts. If I drove into work, there were walls or polls I could drive into; bridges I could probably drive off of; or take the train and hope there was someone crazy on there that could help me end it. This is not typically how I think, but I really didn't care much that day. I just didn't want to exist and work was the last thing on my mind.

I eventually got out of bed when Traci fixed my lunch for me, which was very sweet of her. Of course I still felt down, and the day was half over, but it was now underway. I managed to make it through the rest of the day unscathed. My mother-in-law came over at one point, so Traci and I decided that I should go do something while she was there so we wouldn't have to deal with her questions. I headed off to Target to price school supplies. Then wound up going to Best Buy just to look since she was staying longer than we anticipated. However, we made it just fine and ultimately, I could cross another day off my calendar.

Thursday was uneventful as I went back to work. I did talk with my boss and his boss, who directs the analytical part of my job, and they were amazingly supportive. That is good to know as it is one less thing I have to worry about. I had also chatted with Larry when I returned a couple days earlier and he recommended seeing the advisor we have on site at work. He wasn't available until the following Monday (three days ago now). I made it through the work day and had finished a minimal part of the work week.