Back at It

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a conscience that would allow me to act on my thoughts without feeling bad or guilty. This move has been incredibly hard on our family. Everyone is stressed out, freaking out over the smallest things. Everyone else has an opinion on what we should do to or with our house, like we don't know what we want.


I (we) should be happy about owning a house now, but everything seems to be falling apart. We are moved in but living out of boxes, which we can't really do anything about. We have a crazy list of projects to still do, which probably won't get done this year, if not for lack of money, then for lack of time.


I should be happy about owning a home again. I think somewhere, deep inside me I am, but with all the other crap going on, I can't feel it. Seeing how my family has reacted to this move has been heartbreaking to say the least. I want to see the good in our situation, but I can't. I come home from work, my stress level instantly increases. Life there is nothing like it used to be and I miss it. Then again, it's my fault. If I had been able to hold down my job at Chevron, we never would have had to sell our first house and therefore wouldn't have had to move to Victorville which started this whole chain of horrible life changes. Ever since then, it's been move, move, move, move; adjust, adjust adjust, adjust.


I've seen how it has affected the kids and I hate it. The worst part is, there is nothing I can do about that. It has happened and now I just have to live it and realize that I can't provide the stable childhood for my kids that I had and that they deserve. At this point, I just have to hope we can all make it through without too much permanent damage being done, but I'm afraid that's too late.


It's unfortunate that the only place I provide a positive contribution any more is at work. I go there and feel appreciated and feel like I contribute. At home, I create problems and change and force people to constantly adjust their lives to our living situation because that's the best I can do. On the soccer field as a coach, I just take up space. At our Community Group, I show up unprepared each week and fake my way through the discussion not contributing much, if anything. At Sunday School, I procrastinate and put together weak lessons.


Normally they say the devil says something like "Oh man, he's up again." whenever you wake up. Right now, that's almost how I feel, hoping that my heart will give out or something while I sleep because I don't have the balls to do anything myself.


In the meantime I will just do what I need to do to get through each day, hoping it eventually improves.

God Must Be Speaking to Me

The End

Since things seem to be going very well right now, I plan on this being the last posting on this blog forever, hopefully. It has been good to use to get my feelings out and to document what this horrible time of life has been like. It has definitely the toughest time of my life and marriage and for my family. Fortunately, we all made it through it. I would horrible if we didn't.

God blessed me with Traci as the perfect wife for me. She stood by the vows she made with me on our wedding day without any hesitation despite how I acted and sometimes treated her. Courtney and Skyler still seem to love me as much as ever and I am thankful for their resilience. You gotta love that about kids!

This was my second week back at work (first full week, seventh day to be exact) and it already feels like I was never gone. Work is piling up faster than I can handle it, but that just means I'm like everybody else. It will keep me busy and that is a good thing. Despite many meetings and needing to leave early today, I felt like I was very productive and that felt very good, something I didn't feel while in the depths of darkness.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and she seemed very happy with where I'm at and the mix of drugs I'm on. They seem to working and so we'll stay with them for a minimum of six months and then think about possibly starting to get off them, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. As for now, things are good. I'm happy, feeling good, enjoying life and back in my normal routine. In general things are pretty much back to normal. i do have to say, though, that I have a somewhat greater appreciation for life. At the darkest times, it didn't seem like it was worth going on in life. Fortunately, God got through to me even though I didn't want to hear it. Hopefully I can use this experience somewhere down the road to help someone or maybe it will come in handy if it turns out to be hereditary and I have to deal with one (or both) of the kids dealing with it. Regardless, I have learned that I can really just take life one day at a time. I just take what comes at me and deal with it as best I can. God will always be with me, and that will never change. I've always felt God has big plans for me. Maybe, just maybe, this has all had something to do with that. Another thing I have learned is that God provides and His timing is always perfect.

Life is Good!

The longer between posts, the better. It's now December and we're in full Christmas preparation mode. Things are still going great for me. I got frustrated this week when I went back to work on Monday for a few hours before being told that I needed to go home since I hadn't been cleared to go back to work. It's a long story so I'll try to summarize. The company that manages disability for my work sent out return to work paperwork later than they should have, which meant I couldn't get clearance in time to return on November 30 like I was supposed to. Then between work and the other company, I was being told to do two different things to take the next step. Finally I got it straightened out, and now have my fit for duty test scheduled for this Monday at 11:00, which means that if all goes well, I should be back in the office Tuesday morning...finally.

Thanksgiving weekend went well. No stress for me there as we were able to spend a lot of time with Susie, Adam and Bella. We even did an impromptu sleepover at my parents' house Friday night. It was a lot of fun. We played a lot of games after the kids were asleep. Then on Saturday, we took family pictures at JC Penney with us, my parents, Susie, Adam and Bella and my grandma and uncle. They came out really good.

I just got back from an appointment with my therapist and it sounds like I may have only have one more appointment with her (in two weeks). After that, if everything is going well, I won't need to see her, although I'll continue seeing the psychiatrist monthly, I assume to monitor the med's I'm on.

So all in all, life is good. I'm feeling pretty normal and good and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things at work this next week. I'm really hoping I continue to feel this way. If I do, there may not be many more posts here, which would be a good thing in my eyes...or fingers.

Positive Progress

Wow! Two weeks almost since my last post. Fortunately, that's because I've been enjoying life as much as I can. I haven't had a bad day since Halloween weekend, despite many opportunities to let the situation take over my feelings. Courtney has been acting better, although still having her moments. Many times in the past, I would have lost it or yelled. I'm so glad that I have been able to control my reactions when she aggravates me. I definitely think that is progress and proof that I do have (at least some) control over my feelings and emotions instead of feeling like they are running my life.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have given up on expecting how to feel from day to day. I just wake up, take what the day brings and make the best of it. So far that seems to be working. Well, that and the meds (all 3). I'm know starting to think about my return to work. I feel cautiously optimistic about it. I remember how it went last time and hope it won't play out like that again. I feel pretty similar to how I did last time when I returned from disability, and I want it to be different in a good way this time. They have hired someone to fill in for me while I'm out now and we will work together when I return. My boss has said we'll figure out what is the less stressful stuff that I can handle. I think that's a good approach because when I went back last time, I felt overwhelmed almost as soon as I returned, which didn't help me at all. I miss some of the people at work and look forward to getting back and seeing them again.

I feel that time off has not only helped me better deal with my depression, but it has also allowed for some much needed time with family. I feel like I'm closer to the kids and Traci since I've been able to spend a lot of time with them. It was really special today when Skyler brought home a craft she had done at her preschool for Thanksgiving. It was a picture of a turkey (from her traced hand) that said "I'm thankful for...my daddy." How can that not b e special. From all the things she could be thankful for, she chose me. I would not have expected that. I guess it shows how much she loves me. It just melts my heart and gives me more motivation to fight the depression and beat it and get back to a more normal life.

I've also had some good talks with Courtney lately. Mainly about her friend Charis, whose family moved to Hungary to become missionaries last January. They were pretty much best friends and it was sad to see Courtney's friend move half way around the world. However, they have said they are coming back for Christmas and that they want to get together so Courtney and Charis can hang out together. She gets so excited and happy when she talks about her. We also had a good talk tonight just before putting her to bed. She had really misbehaved in the bath (at the end, repeatedly splashing Skyler's face/eyes with water after being asked not to) and as a result, I told her she would be going straight to bed. When we were praying in Skyler's room, she refused to pray and so she did not get to pray with us. I got her to pray in her room after she almost didn't get to again. After that we just talked. Not about any single thing, but a bunch of things. I was thinking about the fact that I said she would go straight to bed, before Skyler, which did not happen, but we were having a good conversations and I was really enjoying the moment. It was one of those times that I couldn't see ending. Eventually, I had to though as we talked for at least 15 minutes. I let her know that she needed to go to sleep and so she complied. It was a good bonding time.

Thanksgiving is just about a week away and I am really looking forward to it since my sister, her husband and their daughter are being flown down for the long weekend. Traci and I and Adam's mom are going to LAX to pick them up Thanksgiving morning. We have plans with them Friday night, just them two and us two, no kids. I'm hoping we get more time with them as well. I'm also hoping that her friend, who has monopolized her (my sister's) time the last two trips out won't do it again this trip. If she does, I know I will be upset, which is not what I need just before returning to work. I will pray that things go well and that I can control myself if things don't work out. Thus, the cautious optimism. I have high hopes, but not expectations. I have given up on expecting things. It only sets me up for disappointment or setbacks.

Off Work Again and Other Crap

I guess I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted and a lot has happened since that last post a week and a half ago. I heard back from my therapist later the day I called her. She said she was going to write me off work for a while again. So now I'm off until November 30 (Monday after Thanksgiving). That's about 5 weeks off; 6 if you count the week before when I only worked 2 hours. It appears that this FMLA/disability claim will include that week, making it a 6 week break from work, less the two hours. I was hoping I wouldn't have to be off again, but then again, the team at work deserves to have consistency one way or the other instead of me being in one day and out the next. So in one way it's disappointing and in another it's a relief. I also met with my psychiatrist and she wound adding one new medication (that's make 5 total I'm taking regularly now, 3 of which are for depression) and she increased the dosages of the other two I was already taking.

Last Friday, the 30th, we hosted R&B's annual Halloween party. There was pretty good attendance and a ton of fun. I definitely needed that. It was fun to hang out with our friends from the class and play games and eat. We played two games of Mafia. I was nothing the first game and one of the two mafia the second game (which we won). Then those with kids and a couple of others left. We put our girls to bed as well and then played Apples to Apples after that. That's another great game to play. it can be really funny, which is good when you've been feeling the way I have with all of this.

I forgot...before the party, I took Courtney to Disneyland to meet up with my best friend Eric and his girlfriend Stacey. We had a lot of fun hanging out and going on rides. This was my second time at Disneyland that week. Traci and I met up with our friends Jake and Jenifer, who were celebrating her birthday on Wednesday. We went and hung with them for a couple of hours while both girls were at school.

I was hoping the time off would give me time to try and get better, this past (Halloween) weekend proved otherwise. I started sliding downhill at a Halloween party Halloween night. It was at our friends' house. We didn't dress up like most other people, and Courtney and Skyler, but it just started getting to me. First of all, I'm never comfortable when there are kids and alcohol at the same place. Secondly, and the main factor I think, was that I didn't know anybody and figured everyone was happier and in a better place than I was. This is my competitive spirit (comparing myself to other) coming out at the wrong time. This is something we have talked about at my last two therapist sessions.

By the time we left the party, I was feeling pretty down. Fortunately, the rest of the night was fun...trick or treating with Courtney and Skyler. They have been looking forward to it for so long and were very cute and cooperative the whole time. First stop was at Traci's parents' house. Second stop was at Traci's grandparents' house. Third stop was my parents' house. Then we came home and walked the neighborhood, which has been pretty good and fun every year we have gone trick or treating. The girls loved getting so much candy. However, the damage of the day had already been done.

I had hoped Sunday would be different since it was a new day, but Saturday's bad feelings carried right over into Sunday. Going to church really didn't mean much. I was singing empty words during worship and couldn't pay much attention to Pastor Bill's sermon. R&B was fun because it was with people we enjoy being around and we did lunch after class which is usually fun, which was the case this time. Then at home things continued to go bad as I was in a really bad mood the rest of the day. Courtney acting up didn't help much, but by no means is an excuse for my attitude. I wound up staying home from a Halloween/housewarming party because I just didn't feel like it. Plus, I knew there were going to be at least two families there that I don't really enjoy being around. Sunday just sucked in general.

Bring on Monday, right? It has to be better that the previous two days! Wrong again. The feelings continued to dominate me as I was in a bad mood all day again. I was mean to the girls and didn't treat Traci much better. I got especially upset when Courtney purposely locked both bathroom doors and then closed them after she had used the bathroom. This pretty much put me over the edge for the day and the weekend. I was sarcastic and mean to Courtney and pretty much everybody in the house. So much so that Traci told Courtney to join her our bedroom so they could watch TV away from me.

I contemplated leaving the house at least a couple of times during this past weekend, but never did, except to borrow some tools from my dad to try and get the bathroom doors open. Eventually, Traci's dad came over and managed to get it open. I think Courtney learned her lesson the hard way since Traci and I both had words with her.

Yesterday was a good day...FINALLY! I took Skyler to Disneyland, just me and her. I figured I had already gone with Traci and Courtney individually and with my pass expiring today, I figured I should go with Skyler as well. It was fun and Disneyland was dead. Our longest wait was 15 minutes during the 4 hours we were there, and that was for Alice in Wonderland! It was great and we both had a good time.

Today has turned out to be another good day. I let Traci rest since she is sick and took both girls to school and then picked them up later. I also took Courtney to the dentist, which went well. I also found out I shouldn't be doing any work while at home. I just have to check e-mails and voice mails though. I don't want to spend my whole first week back going through voice mails and e-mails...not fun.

A couple of miscellaneous notes about the past few days. My parents bought plane tickets for Susie, Adam and Bella to come out for Thanksgiving weekend. That should be a good weekend as long as our "friends" don't try to monopolize their time while their out here like they have the last couple of times. That's my sister, brother-in-law and niece and I should be able to spend a lot of time with them!

Then I learned that a friend and former co-worker passed away on yesterday morning. I worked with pretty closely when I was the Global Category Analyst for Catalysts & Chemicals before my current position. He was a really good guy to work and talk with. I know his family (wife and kids) are probably having a really hard time right now and I will keep them in my prayers.

So life goes on, each day different the one before. At this point, I have given up trying to figure out how I'm going to feel; it's useless. I just need to be able to roll with the punches and adjust as things come and/or change. Hopefully I can win this fight eventually, although I have a feeling this will always be with me and be a struggle. I just need to adjust to the new me and try to learn how to live with it, even though it sucks.

Rough Start to the Week

Here it is Monday of a new week. The weekend was great. It was busy, but a lot of fun. I tried to use that this morning and keep the good feelings going to get me in to work. It worked for a while. I drove all the way to work, parked my car, turned it off and couldn't get myself to open the door. I put my arms up on the steering wheel and put my forehead down on my arms, began praying to God to help me and then started crying. The crying seemed uncontrollable and somewhat surprising considering how I felt when I left home.

It was about 6:40 in the morning at this point and I decided I needed to talk to Traci so I called her even though I figured she wouldn't be up yet. I'm glad I did because she is always so reassuring and encouraging. we wound up speaking for almost an hour (58 minutes according to my cell phone). After that I called my boss and let him know I wouldn't be in. I then left and came back home where Traci was helping Courtney finish getting ready for school.

I was exhausted. All the emotions this morning took a lot out of me, much more than I would expect. Regardless, the day continues on and I am waiting for two calls: one from the EAP Advisor from work (e-mailed earlier today) and one from my therapist (left a voice mail earlier today). We'll see what they say when we talk. Hopefully they call soon. At least I have some good memories of the weekend.

When I was online checking e-mails and sending one to my boss with my high priorities currently, I got an IM from someone in the office who I have walked with at lunch on a regular basis prior to all this depression stuff. She was just checking on me and letting me know she hoped I was ok. It felt good to read those words from her. She's really nice and has become a good friend. Her office is right next to mine. I've been worried about what people in the office are thinking of me. She made it sound as if they were just concerned about me. I love where I work. I don't think I've ever worked a more sincere, caring, hard-working group of people like this before. Perhaps that's why it's a fairly rigorous process to get into Chevron. They only take the best. And thinking of that, it's a little encouraging since I'm one of those people they hired.