A Little Rough Patch

So after having fought through more tough feelings each morning this week, I called in sick yesterday. I feel horrible about this because I really wanted to make it through the week. Monday was fine (my first day back). Tuesday was a little rough in the morning. Wednesday was very rough in the morning. Then came yesterday (Thursday).

I felt fine getting ready for work here at the home. Normal routine, no problems. Drove to the train station, bought my ticket and got on the train. That's where it all went downhill. I went about 6 miles on the train or so and at that point, the second stop (Long Beach Blvd.), I got up, got off the train and hopped on the next train back to Norwalk. When I got off, I paced a little bit because of how I felt and how frustrated I was that I was still having feeling like this. The train came only a couple of minutes later and arrived in Norwalk about 10 minutes or so later. I was on the edge of tears from the time I got off the first train, all the way back to Norwalk. I got back to my car, called and left a message for my boss and then just sat in my car and cried for a minute or two.

I was horribly frustrated and embarrassed. I didn't want to go home and face Traci and tell her that I felt the way I did. I didn't want to go anywhere else because, well, it was about 6:00 in the morning and very few places are open then. Finally, once I cleared up the tears, I drove home. I figured that was the best place to be. Dealing with the frustration and embarrassment of telling Traci was the best option I had. So that's what I did. I was embarrassed when Courtney saw me come back in the door about 6:30. She seemed concerned and I only uttered these words after she asked me why I was home a few times: "I don't feel well." If I said anymore I felt like I would have started crying again, which I've avoided doing in front of the kids so far.

Later the in-laws came over to drop off some money, something I'm still not comfortable with, but is very much needed and appreciated. My father-in-law then came over and we talked for a few minutes about my general situation...not a lot of detail. It's nice to know they care and are concerned. It also isn't too bad talking about it all, on a high level, at this point. But again, it's still embarrassing to me, and frustrating that I still feel like I do sometimes.

Today was a little better as I didn't feel too bad, but am still dealing with the disappointment and embarrassment of where I am at at this point. However, there was a minute this morning, dropping Skyler off at Whittier Christian, that made me think about my feeling that seem to develop when going to work. She had a rough car ride to school, throwing a fit and crying/screaming. When we got there, we told her we would have to leave soon and that her teacher would help her feel better. She was very clingy, as a result of the fit and crying episode in the car I assume. It was like I was telling her something that I need to tell myself; that it's going to be alright. I'll get through this. Let's just hope I do. I felt so sure that I could conquer this. But after the past couple of days, I have a feeling it may take a lot longer than I imagined.

If there was any good news we got this week, it was that our prescription insurance carrier, Medco, contacted my doctor about changing my Lexapro to a generic (Citalopram). After consulting briefly with the pharmacist, I figured it would be fine to change. That will be a nice little savings each month as my cost will go from $26.60 for Lexapro, to $4.00 (for 30-day supply) and that it could be changed to a $10, 90-day supply at the first refill. I'm all for that!

The rest of this weekend may be a little challenging as Traci is at our church's women's retreat. She and four others (including Shauna) left just after 4:00 today. The girls are missing her a little already, but are really looking forward to swimming at Grandma and Papa's house tomorrow. My parents will be there as well, so if I'm not feeling up to the task, I will have support around me. I think on Sunday, I may just go to 11:10 service and skip Sunday School so that I can sit with my parents in service. We'll see though. I haven't settled on that though. I think I can get through this weekend. Let's hope so at least.

Back to Work

Well, I returned to work on Monday this week. It went well and I figured it would be more of an adjustment day than anything, which it was. I was able to get some things done and get the feel for being back in the office. It was nice to see my co-workers again. I felt good when the day was over. I had a meeting that kicked off an audit at 8:00 so there wasn't much time to waste.

Yesterday was tough in the morning. I don't know if it is just anxiety or what. I thought it was anxiety, but with the way I feel today, much worse than yesterday, I'm not sure. On the way into work this morning, and before (back at the house, getting ready to come in), I felt very unsure, stressed and upset. Figuring it would go away as I headed to work, I kept getting ready with my normal workday routine. The closer I got to work, the worse it seemed to get. By the time I was off the bus and walking to the shuttle to take me to the refinery, I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball and just cry. I can't explain why these feelings are still here. I guess it's all part of the recovery. At least it feels like I'm recovering.

There was something that scared me on the train this morning as we neared my exit. I pictured myself getting off the train one exit early, jumping the track, climbing the fence and then jumping the 20-30 feet below to the parking lot (and not trying to land on my feet). I have no idea why that thought came in my head or where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there and I couldn't ignore it, although I was able to get it out of my head within a couple of minutes. But seriously, where did it come from?! I thought I was getting better. I don't need thoughts like that! Man this whole depression thing sucks!

Consistency...Finally

When I started this blog I originally wanted to use it as a daily journal or something like that. Obviously, it hasn't out that way, but that's ok. I haven't posted in a while and that's a good thing. It means things haven't been that bad lately. I actually feel as if there is some consistency in my life again; how I'm feeling, daily routines (like taking the girls to school and picking them up). I even went to the gym yesterday for the time in a couple of months or so. I made sure not to make it too strenuous since it had been a while, but it was good to add something else to the routine, plus I went with Traci who goes almost daily.

I definitely feel as if I'm headed back in the direction that I was hoping I would. Sure the financial struggle hasn't gone away, but I feel more like I'm taking it one day at a time. I still think about things down the road, but I don't focus on them as much, figuring we'll deal with it as it gets closer (and more important). I'm not back to normal, and I feel as if I may never get back there, but I'm feeling better. Maybe it's God, maybe it's the medication, maybe something else or all of the above. Whatever it is, I like it and hope things continue to improve.

I think it also has to do with something my therapist said and talked about with me. She has tried to get me to focus on the positive things in my life and she has said that I'm pretty accomplished, in my prime, etc. When I've had time to think about that, she's right. I have a roof over my head as well as my familys', I have a good, enjoyable job (which is a big plus in the current economy!), a loving and supportive family. So in the big picture, I'm really doing alright, and that's what I need to focus on.

Up and Down Day

The past week has been full of excitement around here as Skyler started preschool on Monday and Courtney started kindergarten on Wednesday. They have both now completed their first week of school and both are enjoying it.

Personally, I have had two times in the past week when I felt completely normal. One was one this week when I was just laying on the couch next to Traci and she had her arm across me. It was very comfortable and relaxing. The other time was when I woke up one morning, but I won't go into details about why I felt normal.

Today, however, was a different story. I had to fight off negative feelings in the morning. First, it was because I had to do bills since today was payday, and I knew we didn't have enough money to pay for everything (bills) that come out of this paycheck. (I wound up pulling the max amount of cash I could from our Chevron gas card and deposited it into our checking to pay bills. We are still about $2 short, but I have at least $125 extra coming from work so hopefully it will arrive before the gym automatic deduction hits on the 15th.) Secondly, because I went to the dentist and received a gingivitis treatment, which I didn't know was coming until they examined me, which means I just added over $100 to a dentist bill that is already over $600. Fortunately, they are working with us and letting us do $50 payments each month. I don't think we can even afford that, but somehow we'll make it work. (I won't even get into the fact that my sister and niece just flew into town and aren't coming our way to visit, so we have to trek out to Corona to see her. Oh, and her husband, my brother-in-law, was in the hospital this morning as a result of illness.)

After that, the day turned around dramatically, thank goodness. One of Traci's friends from MOPS said she was going to come by with some groceries. (Traci has let the MOPS leadership team know, in general, what is going on and has kept them up to date so they can pray for me and us.) She brought over quite a bit of food that will help us make it to next Friday when we are supposed to be getting $100 from the in-laws again. We need a few ingredients for some of the things, but not much really. Traci's friend also gave us a card with the food. When we opened it after she left, we saw that there was a $75 Safeway (Vons around here) gift card! What a blessing! We can now go get those extra ingredients and more! What an answer to prayer! That on top of what we have left on the Target gift card (about $38 of the original $100), given to us by another of Traci's friends from church, should hold us over for a little while, in terms of food.

So while today started off with frustration and in general not being good, it generally turned around pretty well in the afternoon. The Dodgers lost, but in the grand scheme of things, I can live with that. Let's hope tomorrow goes well as we spend the day in Corona (and 2-3 hours in the car). At least my parents, grandma, sister and niece will be there.