Back to Work

Well, I returned to work on Monday this week. It went well and I figured it would be more of an adjustment day than anything, which it was. I was able to get some things done and get the feel for being back in the office. It was nice to see my co-workers again. I felt good when the day was over. I had a meeting that kicked off an audit at 8:00 so there wasn't much time to waste.

Yesterday was tough in the morning. I don't know if it is just anxiety or what. I thought it was anxiety, but with the way I feel today, much worse than yesterday, I'm not sure. On the way into work this morning, and before (back at the house, getting ready to come in), I felt very unsure, stressed and upset. Figuring it would go away as I headed to work, I kept getting ready with my normal workday routine. The closer I got to work, the worse it seemed to get. By the time I was off the bus and walking to the shuttle to take me to the refinery, I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball and just cry. I can't explain why these feelings are still here. I guess it's all part of the recovery. At least it feels like I'm recovering.

There was something that scared me on the train this morning as we neared my exit. I pictured myself getting off the train one exit early, jumping the track, climbing the fence and then jumping the 20-30 feet below to the parking lot (and not trying to land on my feet). I have no idea why that thought came in my head or where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there and I couldn't ignore it, although I was able to get it out of my head within a couple of minutes. But seriously, where did it come from?! I thought I was getting better. I don't need thoughts like that! Man this whole depression thing sucks!