This week has presented another challenge. Monday, I got the parking lot at the train station and was on the edge of tears. Since I didn't know if I could make it through the day like that (I doubt I could have), I called my boss and headed back home. This really threw me off because the weekend was so great and work had gone pretty well last week. Oh the joys of depression. You don't know how you're going to feel from day to day.
Tuesday I still didn't feel all that great, but made myself go in because I had a meeting in the morning at 8:00. I made it through the meeting ok, fortunately. There was some important stuff that affects how I do my job (and everyone else in the department). After that, it was back down and so I headed home.
At this point I called my therapist to see what she thought about time off from work. She said due to the contract she has with my work/insurance, I would have to have my doctor write the note for time off. So I call my doctor and he is on vacation for the next week. The nurse I talked to didn't know what kind of paperwork I needed so she said she would get back to me. Finally, I called the advisor at work and a few hours later he helped clarify how the process works. I called my therapist back and let her know what I learned. Finally, she wrote the note. Funny thing is I don't need a note. Once she gave the ok, I had to make a call to the company that manages our disability program at work. Then they take care of any paperwork that needs to be done.
So after all was said and done, I picked up the letter from my therapist Tuesday night and am now on leave/disability until Monday, September 21. Again, this is not something I have gone through before, so it's a weird feeling being home everyday. However, it is better than being at work where I constantly had a hard time concentrating on my work and was in and out of the office for the past several weeks. Another reason my therapist was in favor of time off, was so the new dosage of my medication (Lexapro, 20 mg) could take effect. We'll see how that goes and hopefully when the 21st rolls around, I'll be back at work into a normal routine again. If there is a silver lining to all of this, I'll be able to take the girls to their first days of school next week. (I already had Courtney's first day as a vacation day, but wasn't planning on going to Sky's first day.)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
An Awesome (and much needed) Weekend
As I mentioned, the weekend that just past (Aug 21-23) was a lot of fun; something I really needed. Friday, we got together with Mindy, Gracie, Ellen, Preston and Eric and took in a Dodger game, my fifth of the year. They we playing the Cubs. We went with the cheapest seats available, which are way up in the top deck. I always picture everything looking so small from up there, but when we got to our seats, the view was great. We could see everything just fine.
We had a really good time hanging out and talking and eating. The Dodgers won 2-1 and the game only last about 2 1/2 hours, which was followed by fireworks, which are always really good there. Afterwards, we hung out above the seats until a security asked us to leave because they were about to close the gates. (I claim this as my first time of being kicked out of Dodger Stadium.) Once outside the gates, we continued hanging out and talking for at least half an hour. Courtney and Skyler got an aftershock of sugar rush or something like that as they were running around and playing and keeping us entertained between conversations. Eventually, we left and got home at like 11:30 if I remember correctly. And the game ended at like 9:40. The drive only took maybe 45 minutes, so you can see how loch we hung out afterwards.
Staying so late Friday may not have been the best idea since we were leaving at 8:00 the next morning to drive down to San Diego (Crown Point in Mission Bay Park) for Traci's family's annual family reunion. It's always fun and there's a ton of food. I drove and we took Don with us since Marcia was in Washington for a wedding. It was a great drive, only about an hour and 45 minutes! When we got there, I had some of my negative feelings start creeping back in. I didn't want anybody to know what I had been going through or how I was feeling. Fortunately, the feelings weren't as strong as they have been in the past. The fact that they still come around whenever really irritates me, though. The girls got to play in the water even though we didn't have their bathing suits. We rolled up their pants and told them to just get their feet wet. Of course, being 3 and 5, they eventually got soaked, led by Skyler, who is always the fearless one. But whatever, they had a good time, and we had backup outfits for them. Eventually, after the group (of about 50 or so) photo, we packed up and headed home. I think it was about 3:30 when we left. It took us about 2 hours 15 minutes to get home...not too bad. Just a couple of patches of slowing on the way home.
Sunday brought the highlight of my month to fruition. However, we started the day off at church as usual. Traci and I taught Courtney's class during the 11:10 hour. When we volunteered to do this, I didn't realize what I would have already gone through. Fortunately, I was ok to do it this morning. It worked out well as we had 4 kids and 5 teachers. The kids were good and listened and there were no problems. It was after church when I got really giddy.
Back in March I discovered that WWE was having Summerslam at the Staples Center. My friend Don and I are into wrestling and we decided to buy tickets to it. Turns out we were two rows from the top of Staples, but the view was still good. We got there plenty early to make sure we had parking (which was $20, but fortunately Don offered to pay since I drove). We walked around the area blocked off for Axxess, which was the fan festival area. We still got to see some cool stuff, like a live wrestling match from 50 feet away or so.
A little bit later we got in line to get into Staples. By the time they actually opened the doors, the lines had doubles in length (and width) behind us. So we got in, found our seats, then got food ($10.15 for a Quarter Pounder meal from McDonalds?! Are you serious?!) and headed back to out seats. What an experience this was. This is a whole different blog in itself, but it was not disappointing. I would definitely do it again. Don seemed to have a really good time too. We've chatted about how cool it would be to go to Phoenix for Wrestlemania 26 next year, but there's no way I have the money for that. And so this amazingly fun weekend has come to a close. I had no idea what the week ahead would hold, but I had high expectations after such a fun weekend.
We had a really good time hanging out and talking and eating. The Dodgers won 2-1 and the game only last about 2 1/2 hours, which was followed by fireworks, which are always really good there. Afterwards, we hung out above the seats until a security asked us to leave because they were about to close the gates. (I claim this as my first time of being kicked out of Dodger Stadium.) Once outside the gates, we continued hanging out and talking for at least half an hour. Courtney and Skyler got an aftershock of sugar rush or something like that as they were running around and playing and keeping us entertained between conversations. Eventually, we left and got home at like 11:30 if I remember correctly. And the game ended at like 9:40. The drive only took maybe 45 minutes, so you can see how loch we hung out afterwards.
Staying so late Friday may not have been the best idea since we were leaving at 8:00 the next morning to drive down to San Diego (Crown Point in Mission Bay Park) for Traci's family's annual family reunion. It's always fun and there's a ton of food. I drove and we took Don with us since Marcia was in Washington for a wedding. It was a great drive, only about an hour and 45 minutes! When we got there, I had some of my negative feelings start creeping back in. I didn't want anybody to know what I had been going through or how I was feeling. Fortunately, the feelings weren't as strong as they have been in the past. The fact that they still come around whenever really irritates me, though. The girls got to play in the water even though we didn't have their bathing suits. We rolled up their pants and told them to just get their feet wet. Of course, being 3 and 5, they eventually got soaked, led by Skyler, who is always the fearless one. But whatever, they had a good time, and we had backup outfits for them. Eventually, after the group (of about 50 or so) photo, we packed up and headed home. I think it was about 3:30 when we left. It took us about 2 hours 15 minutes to get home...not too bad. Just a couple of patches of slowing on the way home.
Sunday brought the highlight of my month to fruition. However, we started the day off at church as usual. Traci and I taught Courtney's class during the 11:10 hour. When we volunteered to do this, I didn't realize what I would have already gone through. Fortunately, I was ok to do it this morning. It worked out well as we had 4 kids and 5 teachers. The kids were good and listened and there were no problems. It was after church when I got really giddy.
Back in March I discovered that WWE was having Summerslam at the Staples Center. My friend Don and I are into wrestling and we decided to buy tickets to it. Turns out we were two rows from the top of Staples, but the view was still good. We got there plenty early to make sure we had parking (which was $20, but fortunately Don offered to pay since I drove). We walked around the area blocked off for Axxess, which was the fan festival area. We still got to see some cool stuff, like a live wrestling match from 50 feet away or so.
A little bit later we got in line to get into Staples. By the time they actually opened the doors, the lines had doubles in length (and width) behind us. So we got in, found our seats, then got food ($10.15 for a Quarter Pounder meal from McDonalds?! Are you serious?!) and headed back to out seats. What an experience this was. This is a whole different blog in itself, but it was not disappointing. I would definitely do it again. Don seemed to have a really good time too. We've chatted about how cool it would be to go to Phoenix for Wrestlemania 26 next year, but there's no way I have the money for that. And so this amazingly fun weekend has come to a close. I had no idea what the week ahead would hold, but I had high expectations after such a fun weekend.
The Best Work Week Yet
The following work week went surprisingly well. I had to fight the negative feelings in the morning, but managed to make it through and get some things done. I worked all day Monday, Wednesday and Thursday and most of the morning on Tuesday. For some reason on Tuesday, I was feeling more down that I had. I can't explain it and I don't know why. It just happens and that has been extremely frustrating during this whole depression battle. I don't feel like I have control over my feelings. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop for stuff like this so I roll with the punches the best I can. Other than that it was a fairly uneventful week.
I had another appointment Thursday night. At that point, I was feeling pretty good, which was a nice change. Perhaps it was because I knew I had a fun weekend ahead of me. Whatever, the case, Victoria (my therapist) noticed a difference too as I seemed to be smiling more and in a more upbeat mood. It was a good way to end the workweek. It also presented a bit of a challenge as my next appointment was not for another 4 weeks or so because she was heading on vacation. She gave me her cell, but I have no intention of using it unless things get really bad. And with the crap I've gone through emotionally, that's no guarantee...unfortunately.
I had another appointment Thursday night. At that point, I was feeling pretty good, which was a nice change. Perhaps it was because I knew I had a fun weekend ahead of me. Whatever, the case, Victoria (my therapist) noticed a difference too as I seemed to be smiling more and in a more upbeat mood. It was a good way to end the workweek. It also presented a bit of a challenge as my next appointment was not for another 4 weeks or so because she was heading on vacation. She gave me her cell, but I have no intention of using it unless things get really bad. And with the crap I've gone through emotionally, that's no guarantee...unfortunately.
Taking a Break
The weekend that followed wasn't too bad, but wasn't ideal. On Saturday, I had a therapist appointment that conflicted with a birthday party at the same time. So I went to the appointment and then headed to the birthday party. Fortunately, we had enough money to get a birthday present for our friends' kid, who was turning 3. I was very scared that we weren't going to have enough money to get him anything, which would have made me now want to go for fear of embarrassment and shame (from myself). The party went well and we had a good time.
Sunday was pretty good as we went to church in the morning and then met up with some friends at Disneyland. It was packed and we parked really far away, with no tram service. We got our exercise, but made it there. The kids did really well considering how far we had to walk. We also had a really good time there just having fun. It was really cut watching Courtney walk with Preston all night. She really likes him. It was cool that she remembered him since we don't him and Ellen very often. We were there for a while, like 3:00-8:00 or so. I don't think we got home until 9:30. That darn walk took a long time. I think this night was nice because it took my mind off of my problems. So another weekend, this one a good, especially compared to the previous weekend, and now on to the work week.
Sunday was pretty good as we went to church in the morning and then met up with some friends at Disneyland. It was packed and we parked really far away, with no tram service. We got our exercise, but made it there. The kids did really well considering how far we had to walk. We also had a really good time there just having fun. It was really cut watching Courtney walk with Preston all night. She really likes him. It was cool that she remembered him since we don't him and Ellen very often. We were there for a while, like 3:00-8:00 or so. I don't think we got home until 9:30. That darn walk took a long time. I think this night was nice because it took my mind off of my problems. So another weekend, this one a good, especially compared to the previous weekend, and now on to the work week.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A New Week
After the talk we had in bed the night before, the next day was still very tough to start. I felt humbled, but still down. We needed to get ready for church so I couldn't stay in bed nearly as long as I had the day before. I had no desire to go to church. I was such a disappointment to God that I didn't want to face Him either. The only problem is, there's no running from God. I wished that wasn't the case at this time. So, we got ready for church as I didn't (and couldn't) disrupt the girls' Sunday routine. Ironically, even though I wanted nothing to do with God, two of my favorite worship songs were sung that morning in church ("Mighty to Save" and "How Great is Our God").
We finished church and went home. Although I was still down all day, the girls were pretty affectionate with me. I was glad to see that the miserable day before hadn't scare them away from me. It was nice to feel loved, but it didn't really help how I was feeling. This day was a day of going through the motions.
Monday was another day and my scheduled return to work from vacation. Things didn't work out that way, however. I woke up with my alarm at 4:30, showered and had breakfast. I didn't feel right so I called and left a message for my boss saying I couldn't come in because I wasn't feeling well. I headed back to bed.
When I crawled back in, I laid there for a minute and then put my hand on my wife. She realized I was still there, or back again, after my alarm and asked what I was still doing there. I told her I couldn't go in and started crying like I haven't cried in a long time. I think all the emotions I had been dealing with had finally overwhelmed me and couldn't be stopped. I just kept crying and trying to explain to Traci how I felt between the sobs. I'm sure I looked pretty pathetic at that point, but I needed it to happen. Eventually I calmed down. I was surprised how calm and reassuring Traci was.
Later that day, I sent an e-mail to my boss letting him know what was going on (that I was dealing with depression) so that he wouldn't suspect I was just flaky after vacation. Fortunately he was very supportive and wanted to make sure I took care of myself. Also, I called my therapist to see if she had an appointment today instead of Saturday since it was a rough weekend. Fortunately, she had a cancellation and I was able to see her that night. It was at this point, that she strongly recommended going on medication and gave me a referral to take to my doctor. It felt good, although painful, to tell my therapist how the weekend had gone and that the vacation wasn't relaxing like vacations are supposed to be.
Tuesday, I managed to return to work and spend all day going through 100+ e-mails that had accumulated during my time away. It also didn't help that I left early to go to the doctor, for the prescription. My doctor was very supportive of beginning the medication which I also realized was probably a good thing. It was a hard day, but I managed to make it through.
Wednesday was another story. I woke up and got ready for work and again wound up calling in sick. I just felt too down to be of any use in the office so back to bed I went, but not until I heard Traci ask who I was calling as I started dialing my boss' number. We talked for a good hour a half with her trying to convince me that I should go in, but I wasn't about to give in as I was feeling like crap.
Ultimately I stayed in bed for a while, until after noon. However, at some point I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just laid there and many negative thoughts were running through my head. I again did not want to face the world or see anybody. It's kind of scary to look back on, even though it was just last week. I was thinking of various ways I could end it all if I had the guts. If I drove into work, there were walls or polls I could drive into; bridges I could probably drive off of; or take the train and hope there was someone crazy on there that could help me end it. This is not typically how I think, but I really didn't care much that day. I just didn't want to exist and work was the last thing on my mind.
I eventually got out of bed when Traci fixed my lunch for me, which was very sweet of her. Of course I still felt down, and the day was half over, but it was now underway. I managed to make it through the rest of the day unscathed. My mother-in-law came over at one point, so Traci and I decided that I should go do something while she was there so we wouldn't have to deal with her questions. I headed off to Target to price school supplies. Then wound up going to Best Buy just to look since she was staying longer than we anticipated. However, we made it just fine and ultimately, I could cross another day off my calendar.
Thursday was uneventful as I went back to work. I did talk with my boss and his boss, who directs the analytical part of my job, and they were amazingly supportive. That is good to know as it is one less thing I have to worry about. I had also chatted with Larry when I returned a couple days earlier and he recommended seeing the advisor we have on site at work. He wasn't available until the following Monday (three days ago now). I made it through the work day and had finished a minimal part of the work week.
We finished church and went home. Although I was still down all day, the girls were pretty affectionate with me. I was glad to see that the miserable day before hadn't scare them away from me. It was nice to feel loved, but it didn't really help how I was feeling. This day was a day of going through the motions.
Monday was another day and my scheduled return to work from vacation. Things didn't work out that way, however. I woke up with my alarm at 4:30, showered and had breakfast. I didn't feel right so I called and left a message for my boss saying I couldn't come in because I wasn't feeling well. I headed back to bed.
When I crawled back in, I laid there for a minute and then put my hand on my wife. She realized I was still there, or back again, after my alarm and asked what I was still doing there. I told her I couldn't go in and started crying like I haven't cried in a long time. I think all the emotions I had been dealing with had finally overwhelmed me and couldn't be stopped. I just kept crying and trying to explain to Traci how I felt between the sobs. I'm sure I looked pretty pathetic at that point, but I needed it to happen. Eventually I calmed down. I was surprised how calm and reassuring Traci was.
Later that day, I sent an e-mail to my boss letting him know what was going on (that I was dealing with depression) so that he wouldn't suspect I was just flaky after vacation. Fortunately he was very supportive and wanted to make sure I took care of myself. Also, I called my therapist to see if she had an appointment today instead of Saturday since it was a rough weekend. Fortunately, she had a cancellation and I was able to see her that night. It was at this point, that she strongly recommended going on medication and gave me a referral to take to my doctor. It felt good, although painful, to tell my therapist how the weekend had gone and that the vacation wasn't relaxing like vacations are supposed to be.
Tuesday, I managed to return to work and spend all day going through 100+ e-mails that had accumulated during my time away. It also didn't help that I left early to go to the doctor, for the prescription. My doctor was very supportive of beginning the medication which I also realized was probably a good thing. It was a hard day, but I managed to make it through.
Wednesday was another story. I woke up and got ready for work and again wound up calling in sick. I just felt too down to be of any use in the office so back to bed I went, but not until I heard Traci ask who I was calling as I started dialing my boss' number. We talked for a good hour a half with her trying to convince me that I should go in, but I wasn't about to give in as I was feeling like crap.
Ultimately I stayed in bed for a while, until after noon. However, at some point I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just laid there and many negative thoughts were running through my head. I again did not want to face the world or see anybody. It's kind of scary to look back on, even though it was just last week. I was thinking of various ways I could end it all if I had the guts. If I drove into work, there were walls or polls I could drive into; bridges I could probably drive off of; or take the train and hope there was someone crazy on there that could help me end it. This is not typically how I think, but I really didn't care much that day. I just didn't want to exist and work was the last thing on my mind.
I eventually got out of bed when Traci fixed my lunch for me, which was very sweet of her. Of course I still felt down, and the day was half over, but it was now underway. I managed to make it through the rest of the day unscathed. My mother-in-law came over at one point, so Traci and I decided that I should go do something while she was there so we wouldn't have to deal with her questions. I headed off to Target to price school supplies. Then wound up going to Best Buy just to look since she was staying longer than we anticipated. However, we made it just fine and ultimately, I could cross another day off my calendar.
Thursday was uneventful as I went back to work. I did talk with my boss and his boss, who directs the analytical part of my job, and they were amazingly supportive. That is good to know as it is one less thing I have to worry about. I had also chatted with Larry when I returned a couple days earlier and he recommended seeing the advisor we have on site at work. He wasn't available until the following Monday (three days ago now). I made it through the work day and had finished a minimal part of the work week.
The Talk
Once we went to bed after playing games, we laid there for a few minutes silently. I could feel like we needed to talk (and I knew we needed to). Once the silence was broken, we began to talk. I forget who talked first. I had feelings to get out in very few words. Traci on the other hand had a lot to say.
This was easily the hardest talk we have ever had. I know she expressed a lot of concern and a did a lot of crying, as could be expected from and a concerned and upset wife. I know she expressed a lot of concern and feelings about how I had acted all day. The one thing I remember her saying from the conversation was that she felt I had given up on her and the kids. While that hurt to hear, I felt nearly emotionless at the time, too wrapped up in how I was feeling and the distance I had created from the isolation. Most times when we have a serious talk and tears are involved, I'm right there emotionally, but this night was different, and I didn't like it. I felt so distant which didn't bother me much at the time. In hindsight, it was a surefire sign of how low I had gotten from all this. While I don't know what the future holds, I hope it doesn't include another talk or night like this.
Eventually we fell asleep and that was the end of the day...thankfully...finally.
This was easily the hardest talk we have ever had. I know she expressed a lot of concern and a did a lot of crying, as could be expected from and a concerned and upset wife. I know she expressed a lot of concern and feelings about how I had acted all day. The one thing I remember her saying from the conversation was that she felt I had given up on her and the kids. While that hurt to hear, I felt nearly emotionless at the time, too wrapped up in how I was feeling and the distance I had created from the isolation. Most times when we have a serious talk and tears are involved, I'm right there emotionally, but this night was different, and I didn't like it. I felt so distant which didn't bother me much at the time. In hindsight, it was a surefire sign of how low I had gotten from all this. While I don't know what the future holds, I hope it doesn't include another talk or night like this.
Eventually we fell asleep and that was the end of the day...thankfully...finally.
The Low Point...at least for now
Once we were home from the trip, it was nice to relax and just spend time at home. It seems like everytime I take time off from work, we're heading somewhere. Tuesday and Wednesday we just hung out at home for the most part. Courtney had swim lessons although she didn't go Tuesday because she was sick. We took her to the doctor, but that was about the extent of the excitement from what I can remember.
Thursday and Friday took me and Traci to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit up at church. There were a bunch of great speakers that had great messages, but I just couldn't seem to get fully into it. I was still down and knew that we had someone else pay for us to be there (a total of $150). We also volunteered in the food setup and preparation.
It was Friday that represented the beginning of the low point. It was payday which meant bills needed to get paid. Friday night I sat down and did the bills. Two bills had to go unpaid (they will be paid tomorrow finally!) because we had $2 left in savings and $.06 left in checking after the other bills and mortgage had been written. I didn't feel like I could look at Traci without feeling bad and like a failure or disappointment. We had always been able to pay our bills (just barely sometimes) before. I felt really irresponsible. And so the isolation began. I did a few things to avoid having to talk or do anything with Traci. (The girls were already asleep.) Eventually we made it to bed.
The next morning was horrible. I laid in bed as long as I could. I didn't want to face my family or the world as I felt unworthy of existing at all. Eventually, I just laid there, unable to sleep. The sun was up and everybody else was up. Finally after 11:00, and listening to our toilet refill and refill and refill and Skyler throwing a fit and Traci threatening her with a time out, I couldn't take it any more.
I went out there, picked a screaming Skyler up, took her to her room, set her on her bed and slammed her door. I turned around and a scared, crying Courtney was standing there. I forget what she said to me, but at this point, I was almost out of my mind anyway. Once I got dressed and went out there, Traci said something to me and I responded sarcastically by saying, "Don't worry, I'll leave soon."
The next hour or so is a blur but I know I was miserable and in a horrible mood. I didn't want to deal with anybody or anything so I continued my isolation as much as possible. After we had all eaten lunch, Traci took the girls to the park just to get them and herself away from me because I was doing no good being around them. So they left.
Then I did too. I left Traci a note saying I would be back in a while. I then set my cell phone up on top of the video case and left. I never go anywhere without my cell phone. However, this time, I did not want to be disturbed. Sure, something could have happened where I would have needed my cell phone, but I didn't care. I wanted to have no contact with those I knew. I ended up at the gas station first because I needed gas to go just about anywhere. Then I headed to Disneyland. I figured that may take my mind off things at least a little.
While there, I went on the Mark Twain Steamboat and took advantage of the single rider passes at Indiana Jones and then over at California Screamin' in DCA. Those are a couple of my favorite rides (except for Mark Twain, which is just relaxing). After that, it was back home. I had been gone for about 3 hours. I wanted to stay longer but was going to need to eat soon and had no money.
When I got home, Traci gave me a big hug as she had gotten concerned about me. The girls were napping on the couch, although Courtney woke up just long enough to see me come through the front door. After the hug, I continued my isolation, but to a slightly lesser degree. I still didn't want to associate myself with the family and just wanted to be myself. However, Traci's aunt was coming over that night to play games with us. Ultimately, she did and we played games although I was still not happy. Eventually, we ended the game night and headed to bed.
Thursday and Friday took me and Traci to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit up at church. There were a bunch of great speakers that had great messages, but I just couldn't seem to get fully into it. I was still down and knew that we had someone else pay for us to be there (a total of $150). We also volunteered in the food setup and preparation.
It was Friday that represented the beginning of the low point. It was payday which meant bills needed to get paid. Friday night I sat down and did the bills. Two bills had to go unpaid (they will be paid tomorrow finally!) because we had $2 left in savings and $.06 left in checking after the other bills and mortgage had been written. I didn't feel like I could look at Traci without feeling bad and like a failure or disappointment. We had always been able to pay our bills (just barely sometimes) before. I felt really irresponsible. And so the isolation began. I did a few things to avoid having to talk or do anything with Traci. (The girls were already asleep.) Eventually we made it to bed.
The next morning was horrible. I laid in bed as long as I could. I didn't want to face my family or the world as I felt unworthy of existing at all. Eventually, I just laid there, unable to sleep. The sun was up and everybody else was up. Finally after 11:00, and listening to our toilet refill and refill and refill and Skyler throwing a fit and Traci threatening her with a time out, I couldn't take it any more.
I went out there, picked a screaming Skyler up, took her to her room, set her on her bed and slammed her door. I turned around and a scared, crying Courtney was standing there. I forget what she said to me, but at this point, I was almost out of my mind anyway. Once I got dressed and went out there, Traci said something to me and I responded sarcastically by saying, "Don't worry, I'll leave soon."
The next hour or so is a blur but I know I was miserable and in a horrible mood. I didn't want to deal with anybody or anything so I continued my isolation as much as possible. After we had all eaten lunch, Traci took the girls to the park just to get them and herself away from me because I was doing no good being around them. So they left.
Then I did too. I left Traci a note saying I would be back in a while. I then set my cell phone up on top of the video case and left. I never go anywhere without my cell phone. However, this time, I did not want to be disturbed. Sure, something could have happened where I would have needed my cell phone, but I didn't care. I wanted to have no contact with those I knew. I ended up at the gas station first because I needed gas to go just about anywhere. Then I headed to Disneyland. I figured that may take my mind off things at least a little.
While there, I went on the Mark Twain Steamboat and took advantage of the single rider passes at Indiana Jones and then over at California Screamin' in DCA. Those are a couple of my favorite rides (except for Mark Twain, which is just relaxing). After that, it was back home. I had been gone for about 3 hours. I wanted to stay longer but was going to need to eat soon and had no money.
When I got home, Traci gave me a big hug as she had gotten concerned about me. The girls were napping on the couch, although Courtney woke up just long enough to see me come through the front door. After the hug, I continued my isolation, but to a slightly lesser degree. I still didn't want to associate myself with the family and just wanted to be myself. However, Traci's aunt was coming over that night to play games with us. Ultimately, she did and we played games although I was still not happy. Eventually, we ended the game night and headed to bed.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Vacation - Not So Much
On Friday, after the girls had finished VBS, we headed up to Shaver Lake for our annual camping trip with Traci's family. Everybody else wasn't arriving until Saturday, but her parents wanted an extra day for us, so we went. This is usually an enjoyable trip and a good time for relaxing, eating and playing. This year was different.
I was still sick (with the cold) when we left Friday. The drive up wasn't horrible, but I wasn't feeling well. Nonetheless we made it up there. I continued to feel sick on Saturday as well when everyone else was arriving and setting up. At one point, I went back to the trailer and just rested for a while. Fortunately, this was the last day I felt sick. Unfortunately, it was replaced by other issues.
The next day, the depression seemed to take over and I really didn't feel like being there. I didn't want to go to the lake. I didn't want to fake my way through the rest of the trip. I didn't want people to notice anything was wrong. I just did not want to be around people at all, especially people who know me and could probably tell if I wasn't acting like myself. But I continued on with the trip and had to deal with one incident of my mother-in-law grilling me as to why I didn't seem happy to be there. I eventually told her it was because it's not like how it used to be and that the crowd has changed. That was partly true, but a minor factor in the way I was feeling.
The truth is, I was getting down because I realized all the money people were spending or had spent while camping and that we had paid nothing. We were the freeloaders. Although my in laws didn't mind this, it didn't help how I was feeling. This was a feeling that would not leave for the remainder of the trip. It really put a damper on this year's trip.
The drive home was ok. I got pretty frustrated when we one of the girls was getting ice cream all over herself and seat. Just one of those things that when I was in the mood I was in, it can really get to me and downgrade me quickly, which it did.
Eventually we made it home and back to life at our house. I was looking forward to the rest of the week at home. I had no idea that it would turn out the way it did.
I was still sick (with the cold) when we left Friday. The drive up wasn't horrible, but I wasn't feeling well. Nonetheless we made it up there. I continued to feel sick on Saturday as well when everyone else was arriving and setting up. At one point, I went back to the trailer and just rested for a while. Fortunately, this was the last day I felt sick. Unfortunately, it was replaced by other issues.
The next day, the depression seemed to take over and I really didn't feel like being there. I didn't want to go to the lake. I didn't want to fake my way through the rest of the trip. I didn't want people to notice anything was wrong. I just did not want to be around people at all, especially people who know me and could probably tell if I wasn't acting like myself. But I continued on with the trip and had to deal with one incident of my mother-in-law grilling me as to why I didn't seem happy to be there. I eventually told her it was because it's not like how it used to be and that the crowd has changed. That was partly true, but a minor factor in the way I was feeling.
The truth is, I was getting down because I realized all the money people were spending or had spent while camping and that we had paid nothing. We were the freeloaders. Although my in laws didn't mind this, it didn't help how I was feeling. This was a feeling that would not leave for the remainder of the trip. It really put a damper on this year's trip.
The drive home was ok. I got pretty frustrated when we one of the girls was getting ice cream all over herself and seat. Just one of those things that when I was in the mood I was in, it can really get to me and downgrade me quickly, which it did.
Eventually we made it home and back to life at our house. I was looking forward to the rest of the week at home. I had no idea that it would turn out the way it did.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Changes: Therapy Begins, Church and Illness
My first appointment with the therapist on Friday the 24th went well. I didn't know what to expect since I had never done this before. All she had to do was ask one question and I found it very easy to open up. (Plus if I didn't open up, therapy probably wouldn't do much good.) The question was something like, what happened to make you want to come here? Immediately I let her in on the background of what had happened recently and what I had been feeling. I was kind of surprised how easy it was to talk to her and how easily words flowed right out of me. I think maybe I was just at the point where I needed to talk to someone besides Traci. It's great having her to talk to, but I think I also needed to talk to someone who who could help me in a different way.
After about 45 minutes, the appointment was over and I went to join my family, parents and old, long distance family friends who were in town. We just told them I had an appointment as I wasn't ready to let anybody else know what was going on. My mom made the assumption that it was a dentist appointment and so we went along with it. I felt kind of bad for lying in a sense, but there was no way I was telling them where I really was. I was already feeling weak and vulnerable enough. I didn't need those feelings to get any stronger, especially around people we only see once or twice a year. I made it through the morning ok and then life continued.
I was excited for the following day as we had a beach day planned with another couple from our Sunday School class, which I had led for the past few years. The girls were really looking forward to the beach: playing in the sand and going in the water. We had to be very cautious in the water though as the waves were abnormally high. (I heard on the news it was due to a major storm off the coast of New Zealand. Really? Seriously?) We had fun and remembered to bring the girls' buckets and shovels so they could try to build sand castles. It really was a fun time, something I really needed. We then headed back to our house for a dinner BBQ where another couple from our class joined us. After dinner, we played games well into the night, around midnight I think. This was also a great time as we played Apples to Apples and had many good laughs during the course of the game. It really helped me to relax and enjoy life in the moment. Thank goodness for friends.
Sunday started off normal as we went to church. It was the last time our class (and all the classes, except for preschool) would meet for the summer. It was also my Sunday as leader of our class, Roads and Bridges. I had led it for the last few years. I had been getting burned out and felt like it was time to move on from class leadership. I had let them know a few weeks earlier and nobody has stepped forward. Fortunately someone did and ran a bunch of his ideas past the class, which very quickly got on board with him. I was glad to see that.
Leading this class was something I viewed as at least partial failure on my part (in addition to the other failures I have already mentioned). Class attendance had dropped and my attempt at splitting out leadership duties had failed miserably. However, it was good that we made connections with every couple in the class. Nonetheless, I was not doing the class much good.
After church, life at home made a relatively sudden, but temporary, change. Traci began not feeling well. By the time we headed to bed, she was down and out; really not feeling well. By the time I woke up for work Monday morning, she had been leveled by this cold or whatever kind of bug it was. I asked her if she needed me to stay home to help her and the kids. She said that would be great but that she didn't want to ask me. I called my work and told them I wouldn't be coming in because my wife was sick. Fortunately, my boss, and his boss, who also directs some of my work, are very understanding people. So I stayed home, took care of her and got the kids to and from the first day of VBS at church. I was glad I did that as she was rarely vertical that day.
Tuesday, she was not much better, but I had a meeting in the morning, so I went in. After attending the meeting, I brought my laptop home so that I could be home to take care of her while still getting some work done. This actually worked out pretty good. My mom had taken the girls to VBS and taken them home with her afterwards since she was volunteering there for the week. At this point in time, my focus had shifted from how I was feeling to making sure Traci was taken care of.
By Wednesday, she feeling just well enough that I was able to go back into work. Plus, since I had the following week scheduled off for vacation, I knew it didn't look good missing this much time right before vacation. So I went in. By the afternoon, I was getting achy and not feeling well. I made it through the day because I knew I needed to. I also somehow made it in Thursday even though the cold had established itself in me. Fortunately, I was not nearly as bad off as Traci. I was just achy and had a cough, but that's bad enough. With a deadline for one of my responsibilities looming, I needed to be there that day. I was able to get done what I needed to. It felt good to leave work that day. I accomplished a lot, I wasn't feeling as down as I had and I knew I had the next week off.
After about 45 minutes, the appointment was over and I went to join my family, parents and old, long distance family friends who were in town. We just told them I had an appointment as I wasn't ready to let anybody else know what was going on. My mom made the assumption that it was a dentist appointment and so we went along with it. I felt kind of bad for lying in a sense, but there was no way I was telling them where I really was. I was already feeling weak and vulnerable enough. I didn't need those feelings to get any stronger, especially around people we only see once or twice a year. I made it through the morning ok and then life continued.
I was excited for the following day as we had a beach day planned with another couple from our Sunday School class, which I had led for the past few years. The girls were really looking forward to the beach: playing in the sand and going in the water. We had to be very cautious in the water though as the waves were abnormally high. (I heard on the news it was due to a major storm off the coast of New Zealand. Really? Seriously?) We had fun and remembered to bring the girls' buckets and shovels so they could try to build sand castles. It really was a fun time, something I really needed. We then headed back to our house for a dinner BBQ where another couple from our class joined us. After dinner, we played games well into the night, around midnight I think. This was also a great time as we played Apples to Apples and had many good laughs during the course of the game. It really helped me to relax and enjoy life in the moment. Thank goodness for friends.
Sunday started off normal as we went to church. It was the last time our class (and all the classes, except for preschool) would meet for the summer. It was also my Sunday as leader of our class, Roads and Bridges. I had led it for the last few years. I had been getting burned out and felt like it was time to move on from class leadership. I had let them know a few weeks earlier and nobody has stepped forward. Fortunately someone did and ran a bunch of his ideas past the class, which very quickly got on board with him. I was glad to see that.
Leading this class was something I viewed as at least partial failure on my part (in addition to the other failures I have already mentioned). Class attendance had dropped and my attempt at splitting out leadership duties had failed miserably. However, it was good that we made connections with every couple in the class. Nonetheless, I was not doing the class much good.
After church, life at home made a relatively sudden, but temporary, change. Traci began not feeling well. By the time we headed to bed, she was down and out; really not feeling well. By the time I woke up for work Monday morning, she had been leveled by this cold or whatever kind of bug it was. I asked her if she needed me to stay home to help her and the kids. She said that would be great but that she didn't want to ask me. I called my work and told them I wouldn't be coming in because my wife was sick. Fortunately, my boss, and his boss, who also directs some of my work, are very understanding people. So I stayed home, took care of her and got the kids to and from the first day of VBS at church. I was glad I did that as she was rarely vertical that day.
Tuesday, she was not much better, but I had a meeting in the morning, so I went in. After attending the meeting, I brought my laptop home so that I could be home to take care of her while still getting some work done. This actually worked out pretty good. My mom had taken the girls to VBS and taken them home with her afterwards since she was volunteering there for the week. At this point in time, my focus had shifted from how I was feeling to making sure Traci was taken care of.
By Wednesday, she feeling just well enough that I was able to go back into work. Plus, since I had the following week scheduled off for vacation, I knew it didn't look good missing this much time right before vacation. So I went in. By the afternoon, I was getting achy and not feeling well. I made it through the day because I knew I needed to. I also somehow made it in Thursday even though the cold had established itself in me. Fortunately, I was not nearly as bad off as Traci. I was just achy and had a cough, but that's bad enough. With a deadline for one of my responsibilities looming, I needed to be there that day. I was able to get done what I needed to. It felt good to leave work that day. I accomplished a lot, I wasn't feeling as down as I had and I knew I had the next week off.
The Turning Point
The next week turned out to be a crucial turning point in the process of Depression (or so I've been told by a couple of people). The work week began and everything was still weighing on me. Financial matters have bothered me in the past, but it has never lasted close to this long. I felt like I needed to talk to someone or let someone else know how I was feeling.
I forget what day it was early that week (probably Monday), but I wrote an e-mail to Traci from work. I let her know in general how I was feeling and that I had written something to help get my feelings out and where I had put it when I got home from work the day I wrote it. She read it (and the lyrics) and seemed pretty shocked and concerned. We exchanged several e-mails that day talking about it and my feelings.
On Wednesday of that week (July 22), I posted the following status on Facebook: "Scott Steinman would appreciate your prayers." I figured I would get some comments on this, but didn't expect so quickly and as many as I got. It felt good to have people praying for me. However, Traci also got some questions and calls about what was going on, which she didn't want to deal with. So I changed my status at her request. I had no problems with that. I didn't want her to have to deal with anything like that (or feel like she had to deal with that); it wasn't fair to her.
We (Traci and I) went on to exchange a number of e-mails that week. Over the course of that week, I did some research on if there were any benefits available for mental health as a part of my benefit package through work. I was glad to see that benefits were available. (All I needed was another major expense to add into our already-tight budget!)
Traci and I talked about the possibility of me starting to see a counselor so I called the benefit provider and asked for a referral list of providers near home. (This was part of the referral process for using these benefits. I then needed to let them know who I planned to start seeing and then they would get in touch with them to communicate what needed to be communicated about my benefits for the services.) After looking over the list and doing some research on each of the counselors that looked like possibilities (over the course of a day or two), I decided to start seeing Victoria Hanley, LMFT. She's in La Habra so it's a short drive, maybe 10 minutes, but far enough away that it doesn't feel like I'm going next door. I scheduled my first appointment for that Friday, July 24.
I forget what day it was early that week (probably Monday), but I wrote an e-mail to Traci from work. I let her know in general how I was feeling and that I had written something to help get my feelings out and where I had put it when I got home from work the day I wrote it. She read it (and the lyrics) and seemed pretty shocked and concerned. We exchanged several e-mails that day talking about it and my feelings.
On Wednesday of that week (July 22), I posted the following status on Facebook: "Scott Steinman would appreciate your prayers." I figured I would get some comments on this, but didn't expect so quickly and as many as I got. It felt good to have people praying for me. However, Traci also got some questions and calls about what was going on, which she didn't want to deal with. So I changed my status at her request. I had no problems with that. I didn't want her to have to deal with anything like that (or feel like she had to deal with that); it wasn't fair to her.
We (Traci and I) went on to exchange a number of e-mails that week. Over the course of that week, I did some research on if there were any benefits available for mental health as a part of my benefit package through work. I was glad to see that benefits were available. (All I needed was another major expense to add into our already-tight budget!)
Traci and I talked about the possibility of me starting to see a counselor so I called the benefit provider and asked for a referral list of providers near home. (This was part of the referral process for using these benefits. I then needed to let them know who I planned to start seeing and then they would get in touch with them to communicate what needed to be communicated about my benefits for the services.) After looking over the list and doing some research on each of the counselors that looked like possibilities (over the course of a day or two), I decided to start seeing Victoria Hanley, LMFT. She's in La Habra so it's a short drive, maybe 10 minutes, but far enough away that it doesn't feel like I'm going next door. I scheduled my first appointment for that Friday, July 24.
The Rest of the Week
I originally intended that first entry to be a letter to Traci. Then I decided against it because I wanted to just be able to get out what I was feeling. I had been like that on Monday as well, but decided not to do anything because I figured it would go away. But it didn't. Traci had no idea I was feeling this way and I kept if from her because I didn't want to worry her (and I thought it would go away). Then Wednesday rolled around and I was still feeling the same way. I decided to try to write lyrics to a song and so I did. I don't like how it turned out, so I'll just leave that on the paper and let it collect dust.
When Thursday rolled around, I didn't feel like getting up and going to work as it was still weighing on me. So, I called in sick. My family just thought I didn't feel well, which was true, but they didn't know the real reason. I pretty much laid around all day and didn't do much; just felt down and out.
Friday was a good day as we went swimming at a family member's house. It was a lot of fun and helped me "ease up" some. Plus seeing the kids have fun was good.
Saturday rolled around and Traci went to a baby shower for a friend. (I could go into that as well, but that would take me way off the subject of this blog.) I decided to take the girls to DCA (Disney's California Adventure). We had fun there and took some cute pictures, but the drive home brought me back down as the girls would not listen to me and were bothering each other. Yelling at the top of my lungs a couple of times did nothing to help as they pretty much ignored me. Of course, this was extremely irritating and brought me down quickly, back into the depressed feeling. Just couldn't help but feel like a failure as a father at that point.
Somehow I made it through the week, but not without sustaining some damage that I don't think I realized was the beginning of what appears to be a pretty long journey and recovery.
When Thursday rolled around, I didn't feel like getting up and going to work as it was still weighing on me. So, I called in sick. My family just thought I didn't feel well, which was true, but they didn't know the real reason. I pretty much laid around all day and didn't do much; just felt down and out.
Friday was a good day as we went swimming at a family member's house. It was a lot of fun and helped me "ease up" some. Plus seeing the kids have fun was good.
Saturday rolled around and Traci went to a baby shower for a friend. (I could go into that as well, but that would take me way off the subject of this blog.) I decided to take the girls to DCA (Disney's California Adventure). We had fun there and took some cute pictures, but the drive home brought me back down as the girls would not listen to me and were bothering each other. Yelling at the top of my lungs a couple of times did nothing to help as they pretty much ignored me. Of course, this was extremely irritating and brought me down quickly, back into the depressed feeling. Just couldn't help but feel like a failure as a father at that point.
Somehow I made it through the week, but not without sustaining some damage that I don't think I realized was the beginning of what appears to be a pretty long journey and recovery.
The Background
Based on the timing of the previous entry and when I originally wrote it, I should not have been down at all. That was a Tuesday and we had just gotten home from visiting family in Colorado the previous Saturday. It was a great trip and lots of time spent with a bunch of family just hanging out since they all decided to move 1,000 miles away. However, upon returning home, bills needed to be written and I was quickly reminded of reality: that we have enough money for bills, maybe some food and pretty much nothing else. I won't be getting a bonus until March, which is also about the time we usually get our tax refunds back. We are in the same situation as last year.
Because I feel like I am the leader of the family, I should have better managed our finances before. Then again, a dishonest mortgage broker certainly didn't help either, taking a fair amount of our money that had been promised to us. Whatever the case, we barely have enough money to pay for what we need, and sometimes we have to ask for some from the in-laws.
I hate doing that. I don't want to feel like a charity. It's embarrassing and shameful to me that I can't provide what my family needs. What a failure! All of a sudden it has all come crashing down on me and it has been very hard to handle. It has put me into depression which is a new experience for me.
In times like these, writing can help me get some of my feelings out. Thus the reason for this new blog. Also, in the back of my mind, and as mentioned in my previous entry, even though these are the darkest days of my life so far, I still think God has plans for me. (If he didn't, I wouldn't be here.) So maybe by getting this out, I can somehow, some way, someday help someone going through something similar. But right now, it's about me and getting better.
Because I feel like I am the leader of the family, I should have better managed our finances before. Then again, a dishonest mortgage broker certainly didn't help either, taking a fair amount of our money that had been promised to us. Whatever the case, we barely have enough money to pay for what we need, and sometimes we have to ask for some from the in-laws.
I hate doing that. I don't want to feel like a charity. It's embarrassing and shameful to me that I can't provide what my family needs. What a failure! All of a sudden it has all come crashing down on me and it has been very hard to handle. It has put me into depression which is a new experience for me.
In times like these, writing can help me get some of my feelings out. Thus the reason for this new blog. Also, in the back of my mind, and as mentioned in my previous entry, even though these are the darkest days of my life so far, I still think God has plans for me. (If he didn't, I wouldn't be here.) So maybe by getting this out, I can somehow, some way, someday help someone going through something similar. But right now, it's about me and getting better.
Friday, August 14, 2009
July 14, 2009 - The Beginning
I wrote the entire following entry on July 14, 2009 while at work because I could not concentrate on work or anything else:
Life is a struggle. So many roles, so many responsibilities. And yet it continues. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.
I'm not sure what exactly causes these thoughts or why they seem to enter my mind so often. I just can't help it. I expect the best from myself, but I always seem to let myself down. In just about every part of my life I can see at least some failure.
The biggest failure I see right now is financial. I've been a horrible financial leader for my family. Everyone seems generally happy and I try to act happy as well. Sometimes, though, it's just an act. I hate accepting money from my in-laws for food and medicine. That is what I am supposed to provide. I have a good job that pays well and seems relatively secure. Yet because of past decisions, we struggle financially. I hate feeling like this and living like this as I can't provide for my family the way I am supposed to.
Fortunately, my family loves me. They let me know that everyday. When I come home from work, the girls are excited to see me and give me a big hug and kiss when I walk through the door (if they are awake). My wife is always ready for a hug and kiss. It always feels good to be in her arms. If I did not have them, there truly would be no reason to go on.
Sometimes thoughts of suicide cross through my mind and how easy it would be to drive into a pole or wall on my way to from work. With my luck though, I would probably fail at that too. If I wasn't around, there would be 2 life insurance policies to cash in on. However, I also know that the hole created by my departure could not be replaced with money. Therefore, I go on.
I know God doesn't want me to feel this way. I feel as if He has big plans for me, although I don't know what. I think He is waiting for me to get over me. I know He loves me, but I also think I'm disappointing Him.
I just wish all of these feelings of failure and struggle would go away. I just want it to end. But I continue with a hope that I (and my family) will make it through this struggle. That's the beauty of God...with Him, there is always hope, no matter how bad things may seem.
Life is a struggle. So many roles, so many responsibilities. And yet it continues. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.
I'm not sure what exactly causes these thoughts or why they seem to enter my mind so often. I just can't help it. I expect the best from myself, but I always seem to let myself down. In just about every part of my life I can see at least some failure.
The biggest failure I see right now is financial. I've been a horrible financial leader for my family. Everyone seems generally happy and I try to act happy as well. Sometimes, though, it's just an act. I hate accepting money from my in-laws for food and medicine. That is what I am supposed to provide. I have a good job that pays well and seems relatively secure. Yet because of past decisions, we struggle financially. I hate feeling like this and living like this as I can't provide for my family the way I am supposed to.
Fortunately, my family loves me. They let me know that everyday. When I come home from work, the girls are excited to see me and give me a big hug and kiss when I walk through the door (if they are awake). My wife is always ready for a hug and kiss. It always feels good to be in her arms. If I did not have them, there truly would be no reason to go on.
Sometimes thoughts of suicide cross through my mind and how easy it would be to drive into a pole or wall on my way to from work. With my luck though, I would probably fail at that too. If I wasn't around, there would be 2 life insurance policies to cash in on. However, I also know that the hole created by my departure could not be replaced with money. Therefore, I go on.
I know God doesn't want me to feel this way. I feel as if He has big plans for me, although I don't know what. I think He is waiting for me to get over me. I know He loves me, but I also think I'm disappointing Him.
I just wish all of these feelings of failure and struggle would go away. I just want it to end. But I continue with a hope that I (and my family) will make it through this struggle. That's the beauty of God...with Him, there is always hope, no matter how bad things may seem.
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