The Background

Based on the timing of the previous entry and when I originally wrote it, I should not have been down at all. That was a Tuesday and we had just gotten home from visiting family in Colorado the previous Saturday. It was a great trip and lots of time spent with a bunch of family just hanging out since they all decided to move 1,000 miles away. However, upon returning home, bills needed to be written and I was quickly reminded of reality: that we have enough money for bills, maybe some food and pretty much nothing else. I won't be getting a bonus until March, which is also about the time we usually get our tax refunds back. We are in the same situation as last year.

Because I feel like I am the leader of the family, I should have better managed our finances before. Then again, a dishonest mortgage broker certainly didn't help either, taking a fair amount of our money that had been promised to us. Whatever the case, we barely have enough money to pay for what we need, and sometimes we have to ask for some from the in-laws.

I hate doing that. I don't want to feel like a charity. It's embarrassing and shameful to me that I can't provide what my family needs. What a failure! All of a sudden it has all come crashing down on me and it has been very hard to handle. It has put me into depression which is a new experience for me.

In times like these, writing can help me get some of my feelings out. Thus the reason for this new blog. Also, in the back of my mind, and as mentioned in my previous entry, even though these are the darkest days of my life so far, I still think God has plans for me. (If he didn't, I wouldn't be here.) So maybe by getting this out, I can somehow, some way, someday help someone going through something similar. But right now, it's about me and getting better.