July 14, 2009 - The Beginning

I wrote the entire following entry on July 14, 2009 while at work because I could not concentrate on work or anything else:

Life is a struggle. So many roles, so many responsibilities. And yet it continues. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.

I'm not sure what exactly causes these thoughts or why they seem to enter my mind so often. I just can't help it. I expect the best from myself, but I always seem to let myself down. In just about every part of my life I can see at least some failure.

The biggest failure I see right now is financial. I've been a horrible financial leader for my family. Everyone seems generally happy and I try to act happy as well. Sometimes, though, it's just an act. I hate accepting money from my in-laws for food and medicine. That is what I am supposed to provide. I have a good job that pays well and seems relatively secure. Yet because of past decisions, we struggle financially. I hate feeling like this and living like this as I can't provide for my family the way I am supposed to.

Fortunately, my family loves me. They let me know that everyday. When I come home from work, the girls are excited to see me and give me a big hug and kiss when I walk through the door (if they are awake). My wife is always ready for a hug and kiss. It always feels good to be in her arms. If I did not have them, there truly would be no reason to go on.

Sometimes thoughts of suicide cross through my mind and how easy it would be to drive into a pole or wall on my way to from work. With my luck though, I would probably fail at that too. If I wasn't around, there would be 2 life insurance policies to cash in on. However, I also know that the hole created by my departure could not be replaced with money. Therefore, I go on.

I know God doesn't want me to feel this way. I feel as if He has big plans for me, although I don't know what. I think He is waiting for me to get over me. I know He loves me, but I also think I'm disappointing Him.

I just wish all of these feelings of failure and struggle would go away. I just want it to end. But I continue with a hope that I (and my family) will make it through this struggle. That's the beauty of God...with Him, there is always hope, no matter how bad things may seem.