The Low Point...at least for now

Once we were home from the trip, it was nice to relax and just spend time at home. It seems like everytime I take time off from work, we're heading somewhere. Tuesday and Wednesday we just hung out at home for the most part. Courtney had swim lessons although she didn't go Tuesday because she was sick. We took her to the doctor, but that was about the extent of the excitement from what I can remember.

Thursday and Friday took me and Traci to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit up at church. There were a bunch of great speakers that had great messages, but I just couldn't seem to get fully into it. I was still down and knew that we had someone else pay for us to be there (a total of $150). We also volunteered in the food setup and preparation.

It was Friday that represented the beginning of the low point. It was payday which meant bills needed to get paid. Friday night I sat down and did the bills. Two bills had to go unpaid (they will be paid tomorrow finally!) because we had $2 left in savings and $.06 left in checking after the other bills and mortgage had been written. I didn't feel like I could look at Traci without feeling bad and like a failure or disappointment. We had always been able to pay our bills (just barely sometimes) before. I felt really irresponsible. And so the isolation began. I did a few things to avoid having to talk or do anything with Traci. (The girls were already asleep.) Eventually we made it to bed.

The next morning was horrible. I laid in bed as long as I could. I didn't want to face my family or the world as I felt unworthy of existing at all. Eventually, I just laid there, unable to sleep. The sun was up and everybody else was up. Finally after 11:00, and listening to our toilet refill and refill and refill and Skyler throwing a fit and Traci threatening her with a time out, I couldn't take it any more.

I went out there, picked a screaming Skyler up, took her to her room, set her on her bed and slammed her door. I turned around and a scared, crying Courtney was standing there. I forget what she said to me, but at this point, I was almost out of my mind anyway. Once I got dressed and went out there, Traci said something to me and I responded sarcastically by saying, "Don't worry, I'll leave soon."

The next hour or so is a blur but I know I was miserable and in a horrible mood. I didn't want to deal with anybody or anything so I continued my isolation as much as possible. After we had all eaten lunch, Traci took the girls to the park just to get them and herself away from me because I was doing no good being around them. So they left.

Then I did too. I left Traci a note saying I would be back in a while. I then set my cell phone up on top of the video case and left. I never go anywhere without my cell phone. However, this time, I did not want to be disturbed. Sure, something could have happened where I would have needed my cell phone, but I didn't care. I wanted to have no contact with those I knew. I ended up at the gas station first because I needed gas to go just about anywhere. Then I headed to Disneyland. I figured that may take my mind off things at least a little.

While there, I went on the Mark Twain Steamboat and took advantage of the single rider passes at Indiana Jones and then over at California Screamin' in DCA. Those are a couple of my favorite rides (except for Mark Twain, which is just relaxing). After that, it was back home. I had been gone for about 3 hours. I wanted to stay longer but was going to need to eat soon and had no money.

When I got home, Traci gave me a big hug as she had gotten concerned about me. The girls were napping on the couch, although Courtney woke up just long enough to see me come through the front door. After the hug, I continued my isolation, but to a slightly lesser degree. I still didn't want to associate myself with the family and just wanted to be myself. However, Traci's aunt was coming over that night to play games with us. Ultimately, she did and we played games although I was still not happy. Eventually, we ended the game night and headed to bed.