Here it is Monday of a new week. The weekend was great. It was busy, but a lot of fun. I tried to use that this morning and keep the good feelings going to get me in to work. It worked for a while. I drove all the way to work, parked my car, turned it off and couldn't get myself to open the door. I put my arms up on the steering wheel and put my forehead down on my arms, began praying to God to help me and then started crying. The crying seemed uncontrollable and somewhat surprising considering how I felt when I left home.
It was about 6:40 in the morning at this point and I decided I needed to talk to Traci so I called her even though I figured she wouldn't be up yet. I'm glad I did because she is always so reassuring and encouraging. we wound up speaking for almost an hour (58 minutes according to my cell phone). After that I called my boss and let him know I wouldn't be in. I then left and came back home where Traci was helping Courtney finish getting ready for school.
I was exhausted. All the emotions this morning took a lot out of me, much more than I would expect. Regardless, the day continues on and I am waiting for two calls: one from the EAP Advisor from work (e-mailed earlier today) and one from my therapist (left a voice mail earlier today). We'll see what they say when we talk. Hopefully they call soon. At least I have some good memories of the weekend.
When I was online checking e-mails and sending one to my boss with my high priorities currently, I got an IM from someone in the office who I have walked with at lunch on a regular basis prior to all this depression stuff. She was just checking on me and letting me know she hoped I was ok. It felt good to read those words from her. She's really nice and has become a good friend. Her office is right next to mine. I've been worried about what people in the office are thinking of me. She made it sound as if they were just concerned about me. I love where I work. I don't think I've ever worked a more sincere, caring, hard-working group of people like this before. Perhaps that's why it's a fairly rigorous process to get into Chevron. They only take the best. And thinking of that, it's a little encouraging since I'm one of those people they hired.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Long Week
This past week was the roughest I've had in a while. I only worked a couple of hours Thursday morning and was out the rest of the week. As noted in my previous entry, it started coming on strong Sunday night and carried over into Monday. Tuesday was a little better, but when Wednesday rolled around I still didn't feel like going into work and got fairly angry about it. This was probably the closest I have ever been to yelling at Traci. Fortunately, I was able to control myself enough to not yell at her. I was also able to keep myself from yelling at Courtney earlier int he week and those are the positives I'm taking from the work week.
Yesterday, I got out and did some yardwork trimming the hedges and bushes from the neighbor's yard that always grow over the fence onto our side and irritate us somewhat. I had already planned to do this before I went to my therapist appointment Thursday night, but we again talked about how physical activity can help eliminate some of the negative feelings I've been having, not to mention that Traci has told me this numerous times. For some reason, it really registered this time.
Once I finished the work, I really did feel better. It was encouraging and made me realize that maybe my sulking around in self-pity or self-beating-up isn't the best thing for me. Fortunately, there is plenty more yardwork to do and much more trimming of bushes and shrubs to do. Hopefully I can tackle that next Friday before we host our Sunday school class Halloween party (Friday night).
We've been to one Harvest Festival so far today, which I think also helps as I focus on the kids' enjoyment there. Also, having a little money to spend for the games and lunch (and how inexpensive things are at these festivals) helps me not get down too. I'm hoping the rest of this weekend also goes well, although I'm not looking forward to Sunday's church service at Biola where we are supposed to make commitments for the building project underway. We don't have much to give, but will pledge to do about $20 per month. We're hoping we can do more than that down the road, but feel this may be reasonable to commit to right now.
And now, off to harvest festival #2!
Yesterday, I got out and did some yardwork trimming the hedges and bushes from the neighbor's yard that always grow over the fence onto our side and irritate us somewhat. I had already planned to do this before I went to my therapist appointment Thursday night, but we again talked about how physical activity can help eliminate some of the negative feelings I've been having, not to mention that Traci has told me this numerous times. For some reason, it really registered this time.
Once I finished the work, I really did feel better. It was encouraging and made me realize that maybe my sulking around in self-pity or self-beating-up isn't the best thing for me. Fortunately, there is plenty more yardwork to do and much more trimming of bushes and shrubs to do. Hopefully I can tackle that next Friday before we host our Sunday school class Halloween party (Friday night).
We've been to one Harvest Festival so far today, which I think also helps as I focus on the kids' enjoyment there. Also, having a little money to spend for the games and lunch (and how inexpensive things are at these festivals) helps me not get down too. I'm hoping the rest of this weekend also goes well, although I'm not looking forward to Sunday's church service at Biola where we are supposed to make commitments for the building project underway. We don't have much to give, but will pledge to do about $20 per month. We're hoping we can do more than that down the road, but feel this may be reasonable to commit to right now.
And now, off to harvest festival #2!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Not What I Want
So I realized how to explain how I'm feeling today. It reminds me of how I felt during the first week I was on disability back at the end of August. Not a very encouraging sign. I'm really hoping I can make it to work tomorrow.
Also, I left a message for the psychiatrist and haven't heard back. Fortunately, I've been corresponding with a friend, via e-mail, that has been through depression in the past. The more I talk to people about it, the more common I find depression to be. It doesn't help my situation, but at least I'm realizing I'm not the only one that has been through this.
My mother-in-law never disturbed me when she was over here with the girls while Traci was at DCA with some friends. Traci didn't even realize I was home until she took the girls outside after dropping her mom off at home.
Also, I left a message for the psychiatrist and haven't heard back. Fortunately, I've been corresponding with a friend, via e-mail, that has been through depression in the past. The more I talk to people about it, the more common I find depression to be. It doesn't help my situation, but at least I'm realizing I'm not the only one that has been through this.
My mother-in-law never disturbed me when she was over here with the girls while Traci was at DCA with some friends. Traci didn't even realize I was home until she took the girls outside after dropping her mom off at home.
Home Again
This not feeling like I can handle work stuff is getting old. I woke up this morning still feeling the effects of a down night last night and just didn't want to deal with anything this morning. So much so that I didn't kiss and say goodbye to Traci. I just had breakfast, got dressed and left. I went to the train station at Norwalk figuring I could park and hang out in the car until Traci had left for Disneyland/DCA with friends. Once I confirmed she was on her way, I came back home. I didn't want to face her again and have to deal with the questions as to why I couldn't make it in to work. Like I said, I didn't want to deal with anything.
So where did the down night come from? Despite a bad Dodger loss (11-0), that wasn't the cause. I've seen them lose like that before and come right back the next day. It feels like it was frustration from dealing with Courtney and her attitude yesterday. It took a lot to not lose it and not yell at her yesterday, but I managed to control myself and avoid doing that. Hey, I'll take one positive.
Then on top of that, my mother-in-law comes over to Skype with her Colorado grandkids (more annoyances with why she has to use our Skype/computer, but that's a different issue), our nieces...the nephew and my brother-in-law were "quarantined" because they were sick (another annoyance), and there was just too much happiness for me to handle. So I retreated to the bedroom to watch the rest of the Dodger game.
So, here I am at home with nobody knowing I'm here. However, I'm sure I'll have to deal with the mother-in-law when she gets home since she picking the kids up from school today. I'm hoping I'm napping by then, if I can sleep. I don't want to take the prescription sleeping pills I've been given because I figure that will really screw up my sleep pattern for tonight. Oh, and I need to call the psychiatrist because my therapist said I should if I stayed home from work again. I have no idea why, but I'll do it. Let's just hope this day, and week, get better.
So where did the down night come from? Despite a bad Dodger loss (11-0), that wasn't the cause. I've seen them lose like that before and come right back the next day. It feels like it was frustration from dealing with Courtney and her attitude yesterday. It took a lot to not lose it and not yell at her yesterday, but I managed to control myself and avoid doing that. Hey, I'll take one positive.
Then on top of that, my mother-in-law comes over to Skype with her Colorado grandkids (more annoyances with why she has to use our Skype/computer, but that's a different issue), our nieces...the nephew and my brother-in-law were "quarantined" because they were sick (another annoyance), and there was just too much happiness for me to handle. So I retreated to the bedroom to watch the rest of the Dodger game.
So, here I am at home with nobody knowing I'm here. However, I'm sure I'll have to deal with the mother-in-law when she gets home since she picking the kids up from school today. I'm hoping I'm napping by then, if I can sleep. I don't want to take the prescription sleeping pills I've been given because I figure that will really screw up my sleep pattern for tonight. Oh, and I need to call the psychiatrist because my therapist said I should if I stayed home from work again. I have no idea why, but I'll do it. Let's just hope this day, and week, get better.
Friday, October 16, 2009
A Better Week and a Great Day
This past week wasn't as bad as last week. I actually worked full days on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Monday was a battle as I fought distractions all day, but managed to make it through. Tuesday I called in sick because I didn't feel like fighting the feelings I had. Motivation was gone.
It turns out that Tuesday wasn't all bad. I spoke to Todd at church and let him know what was going so he could better understand how/what to pray for me. We spent about 45 minutes talking and it was a really good. I love talking with Todd because he is sincere and caring. I got to know him better when I was leading R&B and am really glad he is our family ministries pastor. After talking with him, I felt a little better; like some weight had been lifted from me. He prayed with me and used anointing oil (which I hadn't had done before...the oil that is). I think I just really needed to talk to someone else and I knew I could go to him.
As I mentioned, Wednesday and Thursday were better days as I worked full days each day, although both days were mostly meeting, but that's ok. Wednesday turned out to be a better day than expected when my good friend, actually, my best friend (besides Traci), called and told me he had an extra ticket to game 2 between the Dodgers and Phillies for today (Friday). After talking with Traci and Eric being ok with me paying him back for the ticket in payments, I said I could go.
Which leads me to today, gameday! Turned out it was a day game; started at 1:07. I met him at his sister's house and then off we were to the stadium. We were lucky to have his Blackberry and could use that to see how bad traffic was on our typical route. We took an alternate route and got there in pretty good time with minimal slowing on the freeways. On the way there, we talked about how we've been, updating each other with the happenings in our lives since we last saw each other a couple of months ago (at a Dodger game). It was during this time that I was able to let him know that I had been fighting depression for about the last 3 months. I gave him some details, but not all. It was good to talk to him as well. He's a great friend and I feel I can talk to him about almost anything. It was a good talk and he was very supportive as I suspected he would be. I am very lucky and glad that he is my friend and that I can open up to him. It's always good to have someone like that in your life (and I have a few...not bad for an introvert).
The game was great. The Dodgers beat the Phillies 2-1 to even up the best of 7 NLCS at 1-1. Now they go to Philly for game 3 on Sunday, which I plan on watching. The drive back sucked as we spent 2.5 hours on the road (about an hour of that was just getting out of the parking lot). However, it was really good because we were able to talk some more. I just love talking to Eric. I feel comfortable talking to him, knowing that he won't judge me, but will listen and help me if he can. Before getting out of his car and getting into mine to head home, we told each other that we would be praying for each other.
God has blessed me with great family and friends. I cannot deny that. In times like these, that is great to have. I think it will help me to continue recovering this blow to my life. I'm hoping things are on the upswing and that I can work a full week next week. (I have meeting each day Monday - Wednesday.) It's been a good week in general and I'm hoping I can have at least as good a week next week.
It turns out that Tuesday wasn't all bad. I spoke to Todd at church and let him know what was going so he could better understand how/what to pray for me. We spent about 45 minutes talking and it was a really good. I love talking with Todd because he is sincere and caring. I got to know him better when I was leading R&B and am really glad he is our family ministries pastor. After talking with him, I felt a little better; like some weight had been lifted from me. He prayed with me and used anointing oil (which I hadn't had done before...the oil that is). I think I just really needed to talk to someone else and I knew I could go to him.
As I mentioned, Wednesday and Thursday were better days as I worked full days each day, although both days were mostly meeting, but that's ok. Wednesday turned out to be a better day than expected when my good friend, actually, my best friend (besides Traci), called and told me he had an extra ticket to game 2 between the Dodgers and Phillies for today (Friday). After talking with Traci and Eric being ok with me paying him back for the ticket in payments, I said I could go.
Which leads me to today, gameday! Turned out it was a day game; started at 1:07. I met him at his sister's house and then off we were to the stadium. We were lucky to have his Blackberry and could use that to see how bad traffic was on our typical route. We took an alternate route and got there in pretty good time with minimal slowing on the freeways. On the way there, we talked about how we've been, updating each other with the happenings in our lives since we last saw each other a couple of months ago (at a Dodger game). It was during this time that I was able to let him know that I had been fighting depression for about the last 3 months. I gave him some details, but not all. It was good to talk to him as well. He's a great friend and I feel I can talk to him about almost anything. It was a good talk and he was very supportive as I suspected he would be. I am very lucky and glad that he is my friend and that I can open up to him. It's always good to have someone like that in your life (and I have a few...not bad for an introvert).
The game was great. The Dodgers beat the Phillies 2-1 to even up the best of 7 NLCS at 1-1. Now they go to Philly for game 3 on Sunday, which I plan on watching. The drive back sucked as we spent 2.5 hours on the road (about an hour of that was just getting out of the parking lot). However, it was really good because we were able to talk some more. I just love talking to Eric. I feel comfortable talking to him, knowing that he won't judge me, but will listen and help me if he can. Before getting out of his car and getting into mine to head home, we told each other that we would be praying for each other.
God has blessed me with great family and friends. I cannot deny that. In times like these, that is great to have. I think it will help me to continue recovering this blow to my life. I'm hoping things are on the upswing and that I can work a full week next week. (I have meeting each day Monday - Wednesday.) It's been a good week in general and I'm hoping I can have at least as good a week next week.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Another Week and Still Battling
So it appears I'll be posting about once a week. This last week that has passed by has again been mixed. Last weekend went pretty well. The girls had their first sleepover at the their friends' house on Friday. It seemed to go pretty well, which is good since they had only stayed at the houses of their grandparents before. It also allowed me and Traci to have some much-needed us time. We took advantage of it and went to Disneyland. We only wound up riding one ride, Space Mountain Ghost Galaxy, because we waited an hour and 35 minutes to get on. I was excited that Traci wanted to go on since she's not a big fan of roller coasters. I was also excited when we got off because she didn't have a headache.
It was nice while we were in line. We started talking to the couple in front of us. They looked like our age or slightly younger. Turns out they have three kids ranging from 2 to 5 years old. It was really fun talking to them. They were nice and we wound up laughing at the similarities of kids behavior.
However, I managed to catch a small cold sometime over the weekend. I think I first felt it on Saturday. I was really tired all weekend and started getting achy. I still went to church on Sunday, but was exhausted by the time we got home, and still a little achy and slightly congested.
When Monday rolled around, I called in sick, but it was because of the cold, which was a nice change from why I had been calling in sick most of the time.
Tuesday, I made it in to work, but left at 1:30 so that I could make it to Fullerton for my 3:00 appointment with the psychiatrist; my first one. I got there and managed to find her office, which is shared with about 5 or 6 others of similar professions. It was kind of fun going there since it across the street from Cal State Fullerton where I got both my B.A. and M.B.A.
Upon entering the waiting room, it was a little eery as there were already 3 others waiting. One seemed to stare at me when I came in and sat down. Another was filling out paperwork (I assume it was his first visit as well). The third was a guy sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth constantly, which was accompanied by the backrest of the couch squeaking everytime he rocked back. This guy kind of creeped me out because it was a little too much like you see these kinds of offices portrayed. It didn't help my feelings about being there either.
I finally went into the doctor's office (she is an MD) and sat down. She had a very normal office, like a lot of people do at many businesses: she sat behind her desk and I sat in one of the two visitors chairs on the other side of her desk. She had a copy/fax machine in the corner and everything. I had to fill out a small bit of paperwork, but nothing major.
As I started explaining my situation, she started taking notes since I was the new "nutcase" patient of hers (my terminology, not hers, at least not that I know of). She seemed to have very good knowledge of what was going on with me, which isn't surprising considering this is what she does for a living. At the end she couldn't determine if I was bipolar or just depressed. I think it's just depression, but then again, I don't have the MD. I walked out with a prescription for 3 medications (great!), one of which I already have, and a slip to get some blood work done. I'll get the blood work done tomorrow.
The two new medications scare me a little. One is a sleeping pill, which I know can be addictive, and the other is to treat the chemical imbalance, which both the psychiatrist and therapist (and wife) seem to agree on. The new chemical imbalance one (Bupropion) is supposed to help control the two chemicals (other than Seratonin) in the brain that may be out of whack. The Citalopram I am already on is supposed to only deal with the Seratonin. However, she (psychiatrist) scared me a little when she let me know that one of the possible side effects of Bupropion is seizure. She said it's rare and the she hasn't known any of her patients to have that, but still. What if I'm the one that does have it. That's all I need is go through that and get all shaken up (no pun intended) over something like that. I took the first one this morning and so far so good. Let's hope it stays that way. The pharmacist at Target, where I filled the prescriptions, recommended taking just one of the sleeping pills the first time (prescribed dosage is two) on a night before a day I don't work. That would be tonight! Oh goody, I say sarcastically!
Anyway, here I am at work finishing out the workweek. I leave in about a half hour. I made it through only one full workday this week (today) as I called in sick yesterday due to the guilt and shame I felt for having to see a psychiatrist and being yet more medication for this crappy condition that I wish would just go away. I want to make it through a full workweek just once so I can feel like I'm back to normal, at least somewhat! Today has been productive, if you don't count the blog time, which is productive in a non-work way, and I feel like I got a lot done. That's a great feeling and I want to have that feeling more often. It's just really hard to fight the feelings I get sometimes when I wake up in the morning. My goal is to make it to work everyday next week and actually work a full workweek. It would be good for me, good for my co-workers and probably good for my wife as I have a feeling she's (at least somewhat) tired and/or frustrated of me being home during the week.
It's always such a battle for me personally to fight off the feelings. I know I'm better than I have been in the past, but I still have a ways to go. And looking at Christmas, I think that will be the biggest challenge since this bottomed out a couple of months ago. We will hardly be buying any gifts this year, maybe just for the girls, which will be tough because we like to be generous but just don't have the means this year. It sucks.
On a neutral note, I found out one good thing about going on disability. Disability pay is not taxable. My last paycheck (yesterday) was about $600 more than normal. However, that joy is cancelled out by needing to repair the kitchen faucet and garbage disposal. Oh yeah, and my car left a nice new oil puddle in the driveway yesterday...that's right. It apparently has an oil leak, which is not something that can be left alone and I'm sure is not cheap. So although we have managed to save about $700 in savings I have a bad feeling that will be gone soon. On the bright side though, God apparently knew that we would need a little extra money. It's funny how through all this financial crap that has sent me into this spiral of darkness, God has provided what we have needed. And although there are times when I have not felt like looking at Him or talking to Him, he is still there for me and my family. He gives me some motivation to keep fighting on through His generosity and my family. I just need to remember to acknowledge Him once in a while.
It was nice while we were in line. We started talking to the couple in front of us. They looked like our age or slightly younger. Turns out they have three kids ranging from 2 to 5 years old. It was really fun talking to them. They were nice and we wound up laughing at the similarities of kids behavior.
However, I managed to catch a small cold sometime over the weekend. I think I first felt it on Saturday. I was really tired all weekend and started getting achy. I still went to church on Sunday, but was exhausted by the time we got home, and still a little achy and slightly congested.
When Monday rolled around, I called in sick, but it was because of the cold, which was a nice change from why I had been calling in sick most of the time.
Tuesday, I made it in to work, but left at 1:30 so that I could make it to Fullerton for my 3:00 appointment with the psychiatrist; my first one. I got there and managed to find her office, which is shared with about 5 or 6 others of similar professions. It was kind of fun going there since it across the street from Cal State Fullerton where I got both my B.A. and M.B.A.
Upon entering the waiting room, it was a little eery as there were already 3 others waiting. One seemed to stare at me when I came in and sat down. Another was filling out paperwork (I assume it was his first visit as well). The third was a guy sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth constantly, which was accompanied by the backrest of the couch squeaking everytime he rocked back. This guy kind of creeped me out because it was a little too much like you see these kinds of offices portrayed. It didn't help my feelings about being there either.
I finally went into the doctor's office (she is an MD) and sat down. She had a very normal office, like a lot of people do at many businesses: she sat behind her desk and I sat in one of the two visitors chairs on the other side of her desk. She had a copy/fax machine in the corner and everything. I had to fill out a small bit of paperwork, but nothing major.
As I started explaining my situation, she started taking notes since I was the new "nutcase" patient of hers (my terminology, not hers, at least not that I know of). She seemed to have very good knowledge of what was going on with me, which isn't surprising considering this is what she does for a living. At the end she couldn't determine if I was bipolar or just depressed. I think it's just depression, but then again, I don't have the MD. I walked out with a prescription for 3 medications (great!), one of which I already have, and a slip to get some blood work done. I'll get the blood work done tomorrow.
The two new medications scare me a little. One is a sleeping pill, which I know can be addictive, and the other is to treat the chemical imbalance, which both the psychiatrist and therapist (and wife) seem to agree on. The new chemical imbalance one (Bupropion) is supposed to help control the two chemicals (other than Seratonin) in the brain that may be out of whack. The Citalopram I am already on is supposed to only deal with the Seratonin. However, she (psychiatrist) scared me a little when she let me know that one of the possible side effects of Bupropion is seizure. She said it's rare and the she hasn't known any of her patients to have that, but still. What if I'm the one that does have it. That's all I need is go through that and get all shaken up (no pun intended) over something like that. I took the first one this morning and so far so good. Let's hope it stays that way. The pharmacist at Target, where I filled the prescriptions, recommended taking just one of the sleeping pills the first time (prescribed dosage is two) on a night before a day I don't work. That would be tonight! Oh goody, I say sarcastically!
Anyway, here I am at work finishing out the workweek. I leave in about a half hour. I made it through only one full workday this week (today) as I called in sick yesterday due to the guilt and shame I felt for having to see a psychiatrist and being yet more medication for this crappy condition that I wish would just go away. I want to make it through a full workweek just once so I can feel like I'm back to normal, at least somewhat! Today has been productive, if you don't count the blog time, which is productive in a non-work way, and I feel like I got a lot done. That's a great feeling and I want to have that feeling more often. It's just really hard to fight the feelings I get sometimes when I wake up in the morning. My goal is to make it to work everyday next week and actually work a full workweek. It would be good for me, good for my co-workers and probably good for my wife as I have a feeling she's (at least somewhat) tired and/or frustrated of me being home during the week.
It's always such a battle for me personally to fight off the feelings. I know I'm better than I have been in the past, but I still have a ways to go. And looking at Christmas, I think that will be the biggest challenge since this bottomed out a couple of months ago. We will hardly be buying any gifts this year, maybe just for the girls, which will be tough because we like to be generous but just don't have the means this year. It sucks.
On a neutral note, I found out one good thing about going on disability. Disability pay is not taxable. My last paycheck (yesterday) was about $600 more than normal. However, that joy is cancelled out by needing to repair the kitchen faucet and garbage disposal. Oh yeah, and my car left a nice new oil puddle in the driveway yesterday...that's right. It apparently has an oil leak, which is not something that can be left alone and I'm sure is not cheap. So although we have managed to save about $700 in savings I have a bad feeling that will be gone soon. On the bright side though, God apparently knew that we would need a little extra money. It's funny how through all this financial crap that has sent me into this spiral of darkness, God has provided what we have needed. And although there are times when I have not felt like looking at Him or talking to Him, he is still there for me and my family. He gives me some motivation to keep fighting on through His generosity and my family. I just need to remember to acknowledge Him once in a while.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Roller Coaster Continues
It's been almost a week since I last wrote and in a way, that's a good thing. I've been busy.
Last weekend (without Traci around) went well. The kids were generally good. We had a really good time swimming on Saturday and actually wound up going to Saturday service at church. I figured we were already out and the kids were still awake, so why not. Plus it's less crowded and the girls are in the same class (and Kate and Jack were there as well, a bonus).
Sunday was a fairly good day in general...at least until the girls' bedtime. We started off just doing the normal things, except for church since we went the day before. I cleaned the house a little bit since Traci would be home that afternoon and I hadn't done any cleaning yet. She came home in the early afternoon and the we were all glad to see her.
The four of us enjoyed our time together and a little later, while the girls were starting the bedtime routine (bath/shower, teeth, prayers, bed) Traci went to the gym and night went downhill. The bath was fine, although Courtney was doing her usual selective-hearing thing which is very frustrating. Afterwards, I got them dressed and brushed Skyler's hair. Meanwhile, Courtney was playing or something harmless like that. When I was done with Skyler, I called Courtney several times to get up and come to me so I could brush her hair. After a number of times, my frustration built up and tipped me over the edge. I slammed the brush on the living room floor and after it bounced, it landed in front of Courtney (it didn't hit her, and that wasn't my intent), who then started crying because she was scared from what I had just done. I let her calm down and forget what happened after that, but she still didn't come over after I asked her a few more times. When she wasn't moving or listening to me, I got even more frustrated and threw the brush across the room towards the kitchen, which scared both kids who were then crying, almost in unison. Of course that didn't help the situation, so I loudly and firmly told them to go to bed. They each went in their rooms, still crying. When I got into Skyler's room, she calmly reminded we hadn't brushed teeth yet. So I loudly requested they go into the bathroom and brush their teeth. They did and then went back to bed where I tucked them both in.
Traci came home shortly after that, and after I had texted her letting her know the night had gone downhill. She got frustrated when she realized Courtney's hair hadn't been brushed. (I never did brush because I lost my patience with her after that whole episode.) The night was pretty much a blur after that as I was feeling a lot of negative things at that point.
Monday brought on a whole new challenge. I had already called in sick the previous Thursday and I wanted to make it in on Monday. I made the drive to Norwalk, got on the train and made it all the way to El Segundo and got off the train at about 6:20 in the morning. Halfway through my walk to the work shuttle, I changed course because, again, I couldn't handle going into work. I was on the edge of tears again. I walked, and walked and walked. I called my boss to let him know I was trying to get myself together to come in but that I wasn't sure if I would be able to.
Eventually, at 8:10 (almost two hours later), I was back at the train station (a different one actually), getting on to head home. I walked for a solid one hour and fifty minutes, almost non-stop. My back was sore, I was emotionally unstable and very down, and needed to get out of there and go home. I even called my therapist to see if we could move up my Wednesday night appointment. (When she called back we moved it to Tuesday night.) Monday was just another day with another failure...just what I needed.
Tuesday, I actually made it into work (and drove the whole way instead of taking the train). I made it through our department's weekly meeting that morning. When my boss stopped in to ask how I was doing, I gave him a look like I've been better. I then let him know a little more how I was feeling and asked if I could take my laptop home to organize my work priorities. Fortunately, he is very supportive and allowed me to do so. So I packed up and headed home after being at work for about 3 hours. Once I got home, I was able to get done what I intended and passed it along to my boss. So Tuesday was like splitting a doubleheader with a win and a loss.
While I was home from work this day, my dad called and wanted to check on me. he was trying to get me to open up, but I was actually doing the opposite while talking to him. I felt myself getting tense, stressed and closing up while my feelings went south very quickly. I know that's how he is, so it didn't surprise me, but it just wasn't what I needed. It's nice to know that he cares, though.
That night I had my therapist appointment and explained how the last week or so had gone. She didn't seem very encouraged, but did seem to understand. Ultimately, she gave me a couple names of psychiatrists that she recommended I try to see and get a prescription for a mood stabilizing medication, as she thinks this is a problem that is going alongside the depression. I was able to make an appointment today for next Tuesday, October 6.
Wednesday has to go down as a victory. I made it into work (via the train) and worked the whole day! I didn't even feel too bad in general that day. I tell you, this depression thing is weird. I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day. I was able to work and bounce from meeting to meeting, which I'm sure helped since I was busy, but a complete day is a complete day.
Today was a little different. I again made it through the whole workday, but had to battle "depression distractions" all day that would take my concentration away from my work. I didn't feel as up as yesterday, but I wasn't as down as I had been earlier in the week. Today just helps me realize that I need to continue taking things one day at a time.
On a good note, I decided to cash out my TDA that I setup when I was with Downey Unified as a teacher 8+ years ago. It only had like $550 dollars in it and I figured we would wind up with $300-$400 after taxes, fees, etc. It showed up today and was for $388. That was nice since I didn't know when to expect it. We may be able to make some repairs around the house now (slowly leaking toilet hose and a non-functional garbage disposal). It would also be nice to use some for Christmas too.
That's another thing that has come about. We recently sent an e-mail to some family and friends that we typically exchange gifts with at Christmas to let them know we wouldn't be doing that this year due to finances. I was glad Traci put the e-mail together (and ran past me before sending) because that would have been very tough for me, not that it wasn't for her. My main concern with Christmas gifts is our girls and I think we'll be able to manage that this year. I the in-laws have offered to help, which is another blow to absorb, but is ultimately a good thing. I just hope Christmas doesn't affect me in a negative way this year because of how little we are able to give. I think I'll just need to focus more than usual on the true meaning of Christmas this year.
On a separate note, I've been realizing something lately that may have a little to do with this whole depression thing, downtime, whatever you want to call it. Not too long before all this (a few months at most), I heard a song that very quickly became my favorite: Matthew West's "The Motions". He sings about not wanting to just go through the motions and having Christ's passion us. Since hearing that song, I had thought and prayed that I didn't just want to go through the motions, because a lot of the time, that's what it feels like, even though I try to enjoy the moment and time I have here, especially with Traci and Courtney and Skyler. I guess God realized I was serious. And now look where I'm at.
Last weekend (without Traci around) went well. The kids were generally good. We had a really good time swimming on Saturday and actually wound up going to Saturday service at church. I figured we were already out and the kids were still awake, so why not. Plus it's less crowded and the girls are in the same class (and Kate and Jack were there as well, a bonus).
Sunday was a fairly good day in general...at least until the girls' bedtime. We started off just doing the normal things, except for church since we went the day before. I cleaned the house a little bit since Traci would be home that afternoon and I hadn't done any cleaning yet. She came home in the early afternoon and the we were all glad to see her.
The four of us enjoyed our time together and a little later, while the girls were starting the bedtime routine (bath/shower, teeth, prayers, bed) Traci went to the gym and night went downhill. The bath was fine, although Courtney was doing her usual selective-hearing thing which is very frustrating. Afterwards, I got them dressed and brushed Skyler's hair. Meanwhile, Courtney was playing or something harmless like that. When I was done with Skyler, I called Courtney several times to get up and come to me so I could brush her hair. After a number of times, my frustration built up and tipped me over the edge. I slammed the brush on the living room floor and after it bounced, it landed in front of Courtney (it didn't hit her, and that wasn't my intent), who then started crying because she was scared from what I had just done. I let her calm down and forget what happened after that, but she still didn't come over after I asked her a few more times. When she wasn't moving or listening to me, I got even more frustrated and threw the brush across the room towards the kitchen, which scared both kids who were then crying, almost in unison. Of course that didn't help the situation, so I loudly and firmly told them to go to bed. They each went in their rooms, still crying. When I got into Skyler's room, she calmly reminded we hadn't brushed teeth yet. So I loudly requested they go into the bathroom and brush their teeth. They did and then went back to bed where I tucked them both in.
Traci came home shortly after that, and after I had texted her letting her know the night had gone downhill. She got frustrated when she realized Courtney's hair hadn't been brushed. (I never did brush because I lost my patience with her after that whole episode.) The night was pretty much a blur after that as I was feeling a lot of negative things at that point.
Monday brought on a whole new challenge. I had already called in sick the previous Thursday and I wanted to make it in on Monday. I made the drive to Norwalk, got on the train and made it all the way to El Segundo and got off the train at about 6:20 in the morning. Halfway through my walk to the work shuttle, I changed course because, again, I couldn't handle going into work. I was on the edge of tears again. I walked, and walked and walked. I called my boss to let him know I was trying to get myself together to come in but that I wasn't sure if I would be able to.
Eventually, at 8:10 (almost two hours later), I was back at the train station (a different one actually), getting on to head home. I walked for a solid one hour and fifty minutes, almost non-stop. My back was sore, I was emotionally unstable and very down, and needed to get out of there and go home. I even called my therapist to see if we could move up my Wednesday night appointment. (When she called back we moved it to Tuesday night.) Monday was just another day with another failure...just what I needed.
Tuesday, I actually made it into work (and drove the whole way instead of taking the train). I made it through our department's weekly meeting that morning. When my boss stopped in to ask how I was doing, I gave him a look like I've been better. I then let him know a little more how I was feeling and asked if I could take my laptop home to organize my work priorities. Fortunately, he is very supportive and allowed me to do so. So I packed up and headed home after being at work for about 3 hours. Once I got home, I was able to get done what I intended and passed it along to my boss. So Tuesday was like splitting a doubleheader with a win and a loss.
While I was home from work this day, my dad called and wanted to check on me. he was trying to get me to open up, but I was actually doing the opposite while talking to him. I felt myself getting tense, stressed and closing up while my feelings went south very quickly. I know that's how he is, so it didn't surprise me, but it just wasn't what I needed. It's nice to know that he cares, though.
That night I had my therapist appointment and explained how the last week or so had gone. She didn't seem very encouraged, but did seem to understand. Ultimately, she gave me a couple names of psychiatrists that she recommended I try to see and get a prescription for a mood stabilizing medication, as she thinks this is a problem that is going alongside the depression. I was able to make an appointment today for next Tuesday, October 6.
Wednesday has to go down as a victory. I made it into work (via the train) and worked the whole day! I didn't even feel too bad in general that day. I tell you, this depression thing is weird. I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day. I was able to work and bounce from meeting to meeting, which I'm sure helped since I was busy, but a complete day is a complete day.
Today was a little different. I again made it through the whole workday, but had to battle "depression distractions" all day that would take my concentration away from my work. I didn't feel as up as yesterday, but I wasn't as down as I had been earlier in the week. Today just helps me realize that I need to continue taking things one day at a time.
On a good note, I decided to cash out my TDA that I setup when I was with Downey Unified as a teacher 8+ years ago. It only had like $550 dollars in it and I figured we would wind up with $300-$400 after taxes, fees, etc. It showed up today and was for $388. That was nice since I didn't know when to expect it. We may be able to make some repairs around the house now (slowly leaking toilet hose and a non-functional garbage disposal). It would also be nice to use some for Christmas too.
That's another thing that has come about. We recently sent an e-mail to some family and friends that we typically exchange gifts with at Christmas to let them know we wouldn't be doing that this year due to finances. I was glad Traci put the e-mail together (and ran past me before sending) because that would have been very tough for me, not that it wasn't for her. My main concern with Christmas gifts is our girls and I think we'll be able to manage that this year. I the in-laws have offered to help, which is another blow to absorb, but is ultimately a good thing. I just hope Christmas doesn't affect me in a negative way this year because of how little we are able to give. I think I'll just need to focus more than usual on the true meaning of Christmas this year.
On a separate note, I've been realizing something lately that may have a little to do with this whole depression thing, downtime, whatever you want to call it. Not too long before all this (a few months at most), I heard a song that very quickly became my favorite: Matthew West's "The Motions". He sings about not wanting to just go through the motions and having Christ's passion us. Since hearing that song, I had thought and prayed that I didn't just want to go through the motions, because a lot of the time, that's what it feels like, even though I try to enjoy the moment and time I have here, especially with Traci and Courtney and Skyler. I guess God realized I was serious. And now look where I'm at.
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