The Roller Coaster Continues

It's been almost a week since I last wrote and in a way, that's a good thing. I've been busy.

Last weekend (without Traci around) went well. The kids were generally good. We had a really good time swimming on Saturday and actually wound up going to Saturday service at church. I figured we were already out and the kids were still awake, so why not. Plus it's less crowded and the girls are in the same class (and Kate and Jack were there as well, a bonus).

Sunday was a fairly good day in general...at least until the girls' bedtime. We started off just doing the normal things, except for church since we went the day before. I cleaned the house a little bit since Traci would be home that afternoon and I hadn't done any cleaning yet. She came home in the early afternoon and the we were all glad to see her.

The four of us enjoyed our time together and a little later, while the girls were starting the bedtime routine (bath/shower, teeth, prayers, bed) Traci went to the gym and night went downhill. The bath was fine, although Courtney was doing her usual selective-hearing thing which is very frustrating. Afterwards, I got them dressed and brushed Skyler's hair. Meanwhile, Courtney was playing or something harmless like that. When I was done with Skyler, I called Courtney several times to get up and come to me so I could brush her hair. After a number of times, my frustration built up and tipped me over the edge. I slammed the brush on the living room floor and after it bounced, it landed in front of Courtney (it didn't hit her, and that wasn't my intent), who then started crying because she was scared from what I had just done. I let her calm down and forget what happened after that, but she still didn't come over after I asked her a few more times. When she wasn't moving or listening to me, I got even more frustrated and threw the brush across the room towards the kitchen, which scared both kids who were then crying, almost in unison. Of course that didn't help the situation, so I loudly and firmly told them to go to bed. They each went in their rooms, still crying. When I got into Skyler's room, she calmly reminded we hadn't brushed teeth yet. So I loudly requested they go into the bathroom and brush their teeth. They did and then went back to bed where I tucked them both in.

Traci came home shortly after that, and after I had texted her letting her know the night had gone downhill. She got frustrated when she realized Courtney's hair hadn't been brushed. (I never did brush because I lost my patience with her after that whole episode.) The night was pretty much a blur after that as I was feeling a lot of negative things at that point.

Monday brought on a whole new challenge. I had already called in sick the previous Thursday and I wanted to make it in on Monday. I made the drive to Norwalk, got on the train and made it all the way to El Segundo and got off the train at about 6:20 in the morning. Halfway through my walk to the work shuttle, I changed course because, again, I couldn't handle going into work. I was on the edge of tears again. I walked, and walked and walked. I called my boss to let him know I was trying to get myself together to come in but that I wasn't sure if I would be able to.

Eventually, at 8:10 (almost two hours later), I was back at the train station (a different one actually), getting on to head home. I walked for a solid one hour and fifty minutes, almost non-stop. My back was sore, I was emotionally unstable and very down, and needed to get out of there and go home. I even called my therapist to see if we could move up my Wednesday night appointment. (When she called back we moved it to Tuesday night.) Monday was just another day with another failure...just what I needed.

Tuesday, I actually made it into work (and drove the whole way instead of taking the train). I made it through our department's weekly meeting that morning. When my boss stopped in to ask how I was doing, I gave him a look like I've been better. I then let him know a little more how I was feeling and asked if I could take my laptop home to organize my work priorities. Fortunately, he is very supportive and allowed me to do so. So I packed up and headed home after being at work for about 3 hours. Once I got home, I was able to get done what I intended and passed it along to my boss. So Tuesday was like splitting a doubleheader with a win and a loss.

While I was home from work this day, my dad called and wanted to check on me. he was trying to get me to open up, but I was actually doing the opposite while talking to him. I felt myself getting tense, stressed and closing up while my feelings went south very quickly. I know that's how he is, so it didn't surprise me, but it just wasn't what I needed. It's nice to know that he cares, though.

That night I had my therapist appointment and explained how the last week or so had gone. She didn't seem very encouraged, but did seem to understand. Ultimately, she gave me a couple names of psychiatrists that she recommended I try to see and get a prescription for a mood stabilizing medication, as she thinks this is a problem that is going alongside the depression. I was able to make an appointment today for next Tuesday, October 6.

Wednesday has to go down as a victory. I made it into work (via the train) and worked the whole day! I didn't even feel too bad in general that day. I tell you, this depression thing is weird. I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day. I was able to work and bounce from meeting to meeting, which I'm sure helped since I was busy, but a complete day is a complete day.

Today was a little different. I again made it through the whole workday, but had to battle "depression distractions" all day that would take my concentration away from my work. I didn't feel as up as yesterday, but I wasn't as down as I had been earlier in the week. Today just helps me realize that I need to continue taking things one day at a time.

On a good note, I decided to cash out my TDA that I setup when I was with Downey Unified as a teacher 8+ years ago. It only had like $550 dollars in it and I figured we would wind up with $300-$400 after taxes, fees, etc. It showed up today and was for $388. That was nice since I didn't know when to expect it. We may be able to make some repairs around the house now (slowly leaking toilet hose and a non-functional garbage disposal). It would also be nice to use some for Christmas too.

That's another thing that has come about. We recently sent an e-mail to some family and friends that we typically exchange gifts with at Christmas to let them know we wouldn't be doing that this year due to finances. I was glad Traci put the e-mail together (and ran past me before sending) because that would have been very tough for me, not that it wasn't for her. My main concern with Christmas gifts is our girls and I think we'll be able to manage that this year. I the in-laws have offered to help, which is another blow to absorb, but is ultimately a good thing. I just hope Christmas doesn't affect me in a negative way this year because of how little we are able to give. I think I'll just need to focus more than usual on the true meaning of Christmas this year.

On a separate note, I've been realizing something lately that may have a little to do with this whole depression thing, downtime, whatever you want to call it. Not too long before all this (a few months at most), I heard a song that very quickly became my favorite: Matthew West's "The Motions". He sings about not wanting to just go through the motions and having Christ's passion us. Since hearing that song, I had thought and prayed that I didn't just want to go through the motions, because a lot of the time, that's what it feels like, even though I try to enjoy the moment and time I have here, especially with Traci and Courtney and Skyler. I guess God realized I was serious. And now look where I'm at.