A Little Rough Patch

So after having fought through more tough feelings each morning this week, I called in sick yesterday. I feel horrible about this because I really wanted to make it through the week. Monday was fine (my first day back). Tuesday was a little rough in the morning. Wednesday was very rough in the morning. Then came yesterday (Thursday).

I felt fine getting ready for work here at the home. Normal routine, no problems. Drove to the train station, bought my ticket and got on the train. That's where it all went downhill. I went about 6 miles on the train or so and at that point, the second stop (Long Beach Blvd.), I got up, got off the train and hopped on the next train back to Norwalk. When I got off, I paced a little bit because of how I felt and how frustrated I was that I was still having feeling like this. The train came only a couple of minutes later and arrived in Norwalk about 10 minutes or so later. I was on the edge of tears from the time I got off the first train, all the way back to Norwalk. I got back to my car, called and left a message for my boss and then just sat in my car and cried for a minute or two.

I was horribly frustrated and embarrassed. I didn't want to go home and face Traci and tell her that I felt the way I did. I didn't want to go anywhere else because, well, it was about 6:00 in the morning and very few places are open then. Finally, once I cleared up the tears, I drove home. I figured that was the best place to be. Dealing with the frustration and embarrassment of telling Traci was the best option I had. So that's what I did. I was embarrassed when Courtney saw me come back in the door about 6:30. She seemed concerned and I only uttered these words after she asked me why I was home a few times: "I don't feel well." If I said anymore I felt like I would have started crying again, which I've avoided doing in front of the kids so far.

Later the in-laws came over to drop off some money, something I'm still not comfortable with, but is very much needed and appreciated. My father-in-law then came over and we talked for a few minutes about my general situation...not a lot of detail. It's nice to know they care and are concerned. It also isn't too bad talking about it all, on a high level, at this point. But again, it's still embarrassing to me, and frustrating that I still feel like I do sometimes.

Today was a little better as I didn't feel too bad, but am still dealing with the disappointment and embarrassment of where I am at at this point. However, there was a minute this morning, dropping Skyler off at Whittier Christian, that made me think about my feeling that seem to develop when going to work. She had a rough car ride to school, throwing a fit and crying/screaming. When we got there, we told her we would have to leave soon and that her teacher would help her feel better. She was very clingy, as a result of the fit and crying episode in the car I assume. It was like I was telling her something that I need to tell myself; that it's going to be alright. I'll get through this. Let's just hope I do. I felt so sure that I could conquer this. But after the past couple of days, I have a feeling it may take a lot longer than I imagined.

If there was any good news we got this week, it was that our prescription insurance carrier, Medco, contacted my doctor about changing my Lexapro to a generic (Citalopram). After consulting briefly with the pharmacist, I figured it would be fine to change. That will be a nice little savings each month as my cost will go from $26.60 for Lexapro, to $4.00 (for 30-day supply) and that it could be changed to a $10, 90-day supply at the first refill. I'm all for that!

The rest of this weekend may be a little challenging as Traci is at our church's women's retreat. She and four others (including Shauna) left just after 4:00 today. The girls are missing her a little already, but are really looking forward to swimming at Grandma and Papa's house tomorrow. My parents will be there as well, so if I'm not feeling up to the task, I will have support around me. I think on Sunday, I may just go to 11:10 service and skip Sunday School so that I can sit with my parents in service. We'll see though. I haven't settled on that though. I think I can get through this weekend. Let's hope so at least.