Another Week and Still Battling

So it appears I'll be posting about once a week. This last week that has passed by has again been mixed. Last weekend went pretty well. The girls had their first sleepover at the their friends' house on Friday. It seemed to go pretty well, which is good since they had only stayed at the houses of their grandparents before. It also allowed me and Traci to have some much-needed us time. We took advantage of it and went to Disneyland. We only wound up riding one ride, Space Mountain Ghost Galaxy, because we waited an hour and 35 minutes to get on. I was excited that Traci wanted to go on since she's not a big fan of roller coasters. I was also excited when we got off because she didn't have a headache.

It was nice while we were in line. We started talking to the couple in front of us. They looked like our age or slightly younger. Turns out they have three kids ranging from 2 to 5 years old. It was really fun talking to them. They were nice and we wound up laughing at the similarities of kids behavior.

However, I managed to catch a small cold sometime over the weekend. I think I first felt it on Saturday. I was really tired all weekend and started getting achy. I still went to church on Sunday, but was exhausted by the time we got home, and still a little achy and slightly congested.

When Monday rolled around, I called in sick, but it was because of the cold, which was a nice change from why I had been calling in sick most of the time.

Tuesday, I made it in to work, but left at 1:30 so that I could make it to Fullerton for my 3:00 appointment with the psychiatrist; my first one. I got there and managed to find her office, which is shared with about 5 or 6 others of similar professions. It was kind of fun going there since it across the street from Cal State Fullerton where I got both my B.A. and M.B.A.

Upon entering the waiting room, it was a little eery as there were already 3 others waiting. One seemed to stare at me when I came in and sat down. Another was filling out paperwork (I assume it was his first visit as well). The third was a guy sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth constantly, which was accompanied by the backrest of the couch squeaking everytime he rocked back. This guy kind of creeped me out because it was a little too much like you see these kinds of offices portrayed. It didn't help my feelings about being there either.

I finally went into the doctor's office (she is an MD) and sat down. She had a very normal office, like a lot of people do at many businesses: she sat behind her desk and I sat in one of the two visitors chairs on the other side of her desk. She had a copy/fax machine in the corner and everything. I had to fill out a small bit of paperwork, but nothing major.

As I started explaining my situation, she started taking notes since I was the new "nutcase" patient of hers (my terminology, not hers, at least not that I know of). She seemed to have very good knowledge of what was going on with me, which isn't surprising considering this is what she does for a living. At the end she couldn't determine if I was bipolar or just depressed. I think it's just depression, but then again, I don't have the MD. I walked out with a prescription for 3 medications (great!), one of which I already have, and a slip to get some blood work done. I'll get the blood work done tomorrow.

The two new medications scare me a little. One is a sleeping pill, which I know can be addictive, and the other is to treat the chemical imbalance, which both the psychiatrist and therapist (and wife) seem to agree on. The new chemical imbalance one (Bupropion) is supposed to help control the two chemicals (other than Seratonin) in the brain that may be out of whack. The Citalopram I am already on is supposed to only deal with the Seratonin. However, she (psychiatrist) scared me a little when she let me know that one of the possible side effects of Bupropion is seizure. She said it's rare and the she hasn't known any of her patients to have that, but still. What if I'm the one that does have it. That's all I need is go through that and get all shaken up (no pun intended) over something like that. I took the first one this morning and so far so good. Let's hope it stays that way. The pharmacist at Target, where I filled the prescriptions, recommended taking just one of the sleeping pills the first time (prescribed dosage is two) on a night before a day I don't work. That would be tonight! Oh goody, I say sarcastically!

Anyway, here I am at work finishing out the workweek. I leave in about a half hour. I made it through only one full workday this week (today) as I called in sick yesterday due to the guilt and shame I felt for having to see a psychiatrist and being yet more medication for this crappy condition that I wish would just go away. I want to make it through a full workweek just once so I can feel like I'm back to normal, at least somewhat! Today has been productive, if you don't count the blog time, which is productive in a non-work way, and I feel like I got a lot done. That's a great feeling and I want to have that feeling more often. It's just really hard to fight the feelings I get sometimes when I wake up in the morning. My goal is to make it to work everyday next week and actually work a full workweek. It would be good for me, good for my co-workers and probably good for my wife as I have a feeling she's (at least somewhat) tired and/or frustrated of me being home during the week.

It's always such a battle for me personally to fight off the feelings. I know I'm better than I have been in the past, but I still have a ways to go. And looking at Christmas, I think that will be the biggest challenge since this bottomed out a couple of months ago. We will hardly be buying any gifts this year, maybe just for the girls, which will be tough because we like to be generous but just don't have the means this year. It sucks.

On a neutral note, I found out one good thing about going on disability. Disability pay is not taxable. My last paycheck (yesterday) was about $600 more than normal. However, that joy is cancelled out by needing to repair the kitchen faucet and garbage disposal. Oh yeah, and my car left a nice new oil puddle in the driveway yesterday...that's right. It apparently has an oil leak, which is not something that can be left alone and I'm sure is not cheap. So although we have managed to save about $700 in savings I have a bad feeling that will be gone soon. On the bright side though, God apparently knew that we would need a little extra money. It's funny how through all this financial crap that has sent me into this spiral of darkness, God has provided what we have needed. And although there are times when I have not felt like looking at Him or talking to Him, he is still there for me and my family. He gives me some motivation to keep fighting on through His generosity and my family. I just need to remember to acknowledge Him once in a while.