Back at It

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a conscience that would allow me to act on my thoughts without feeling bad or guilty. This move has been incredibly hard on our family. Everyone is stressed out, freaking out over the smallest things. Everyone else has an opinion on what we should do to or with our house, like we don't know what we want.


I (we) should be happy about owning a house now, but everything seems to be falling apart. We are moved in but living out of boxes, which we can't really do anything about. We have a crazy list of projects to still do, which probably won't get done this year, if not for lack of money, then for lack of time.


I should be happy about owning a home again. I think somewhere, deep inside me I am, but with all the other crap going on, I can't feel it. Seeing how my family has reacted to this move has been heartbreaking to say the least. I want to see the good in our situation, but I can't. I come home from work, my stress level instantly increases. Life there is nothing like it used to be and I miss it. Then again, it's my fault. If I had been able to hold down my job at Chevron, we never would have had to sell our first house and therefore wouldn't have had to move to Victorville which started this whole chain of horrible life changes. Ever since then, it's been move, move, move, move; adjust, adjust adjust, adjust.


I've seen how it has affected the kids and I hate it. The worst part is, there is nothing I can do about that. It has happened and now I just have to live it and realize that I can't provide the stable childhood for my kids that I had and that they deserve. At this point, I just have to hope we can all make it through without too much permanent damage being done, but I'm afraid that's too late.


It's unfortunate that the only place I provide a positive contribution any more is at work. I go there and feel appreciated and feel like I contribute. At home, I create problems and change and force people to constantly adjust their lives to our living situation because that's the best I can do. On the soccer field as a coach, I just take up space. At our Community Group, I show up unprepared each week and fake my way through the discussion not contributing much, if anything. At Sunday School, I procrastinate and put together weak lessons.


Normally they say the devil says something like "Oh man, he's up again." whenever you wake up. Right now, that's almost how I feel, hoping that my heart will give out or something while I sleep because I don't have the balls to do anything myself.


In the meantime I will just do what I need to do to get through each day, hoping it eventually improves.