Positive Progress

Wow! Two weeks almost since my last post. Fortunately, that's because I've been enjoying life as much as I can. I haven't had a bad day since Halloween weekend, despite many opportunities to let the situation take over my feelings. Courtney has been acting better, although still having her moments. Many times in the past, I would have lost it or yelled. I'm so glad that I have been able to control my reactions when she aggravates me. I definitely think that is progress and proof that I do have (at least some) control over my feelings and emotions instead of feeling like they are running my life.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have given up on expecting how to feel from day to day. I just wake up, take what the day brings and make the best of it. So far that seems to be working. Well, that and the meds (all 3). I'm know starting to think about my return to work. I feel cautiously optimistic about it. I remember how it went last time and hope it won't play out like that again. I feel pretty similar to how I did last time when I returned from disability, and I want it to be different in a good way this time. They have hired someone to fill in for me while I'm out now and we will work together when I return. My boss has said we'll figure out what is the less stressful stuff that I can handle. I think that's a good approach because when I went back last time, I felt overwhelmed almost as soon as I returned, which didn't help me at all. I miss some of the people at work and look forward to getting back and seeing them again.

I feel that time off has not only helped me better deal with my depression, but it has also allowed for some much needed time with family. I feel like I'm closer to the kids and Traci since I've been able to spend a lot of time with them. It was really special today when Skyler brought home a craft she had done at her preschool for Thanksgiving. It was a picture of a turkey (from her traced hand) that said "I'm thankful for...my daddy." How can that not b e special. From all the things she could be thankful for, she chose me. I would not have expected that. I guess it shows how much she loves me. It just melts my heart and gives me more motivation to fight the depression and beat it and get back to a more normal life.

I've also had some good talks with Courtney lately. Mainly about her friend Charis, whose family moved to Hungary to become missionaries last January. They were pretty much best friends and it was sad to see Courtney's friend move half way around the world. However, they have said they are coming back for Christmas and that they want to get together so Courtney and Charis can hang out together. She gets so excited and happy when she talks about her. We also had a good talk tonight just before putting her to bed. She had really misbehaved in the bath (at the end, repeatedly splashing Skyler's face/eyes with water after being asked not to) and as a result, I told her she would be going straight to bed. When we were praying in Skyler's room, she refused to pray and so she did not get to pray with us. I got her to pray in her room after she almost didn't get to again. After that we just talked. Not about any single thing, but a bunch of things. I was thinking about the fact that I said she would go straight to bed, before Skyler, which did not happen, but we were having a good conversations and I was really enjoying the moment. It was one of those times that I couldn't see ending. Eventually, I had to though as we talked for at least 15 minutes. I let her know that she needed to go to sleep and so she complied. It was a good bonding time.

Thanksgiving is just about a week away and I am really looking forward to it since my sister, her husband and their daughter are being flown down for the long weekend. Traci and I and Adam's mom are going to LAX to pick them up Thanksgiving morning. We have plans with them Friday night, just them two and us two, no kids. I'm hoping we get more time with them as well. I'm also hoping that her friend, who has monopolized her (my sister's) time the last two trips out won't do it again this trip. If she does, I know I will be upset, which is not what I need just before returning to work. I will pray that things go well and that I can control myself if things don't work out. Thus, the cautious optimism. I have high hopes, but not expectations. I have given up on expecting things. It only sets me up for disappointment or setbacks.